Love never dies
by nooneNoone
Summary: After 3 years of avoiding, Carmen runs into her former friends and her almost wife. She tries to let go of the past, but does the past realy stay the past when the feelings are still there?
1. Chapter 1

August 2010

Carmen was sitting with her best friend and roommate in a restoraunt, enjoying a nice lunch. Her roommates name was Alecia,  
she had short blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, she was just as tall as Carmen and she works at the restourant they were eating, she was on her break so Carmen decided to visit her and keep her company.

" Ok break is over, gotta get back to work, will you stay since its slow and I still can sneak and talk to you" asks Alecia getting up.  
" Sure I've got nothing planned today " answers Carmen smiling and takes a bite of her french fries.

Alecia walks to a table were 6 people just took seat and as she neares them, one face seems so familiar to her but she can't place it.  
" Hi I'm Alecia, your waitress for today, here are the menues. Do you need a minute for your drink order?"  
" Hi Alecia, ..I don't think we do do we?" asks a brunette with short hair looking at her friends at the table.  
" Not me, I want a beer." states the familiar face with dark hair and a sexy smile.  
" A beer for lunch really?" asks the girl sitting next to her, they kind of seem like a couple.  
" Yes please" smiles the dark haired skinny girl playfully.  
" You are unbelievable Shane" states the girl and then it downs on Alecia. SHANE she thinks, O MY GOD SHANE, O MY ..  
CARMENS SHANE ...OH NO...OH SHIT...OH FUCK.

" You ok, you look kinda pale?" asks a black woman with her hair in a pony tail.  
" I ..uhm..I'm fine...I'll be right back." says Alecia and runs into the kitchen.  
"...well that was weird" states the brunnete with short hair.

In the kitchen Alecia paces infront of the cook, who is a close friend of her and Carmen.  
" You look like you saw a ghost." states Lara " Oh ..I think I did... I saw the ghosts of yours and Carmens past." explains Alecia in a hushed whisper.  
" What?" asks Lara totally confused.  
" Outside on table 8 there is a group of 6 woman, two of which looked very familiar, one is your ex Alice and the other is the one who broke Carmen into pieces." explains Alecia, trying to read Laras face, who doesn't react for a few seconds and then drops the knife " Oh shit that...thats not good. Carmen can't see Shane, she is not ready I know its been 3 years but still she is not ready. Who can blame her, she left her at the altar for fucks sake." rambles Lara.

"Ok calm down, I'm going to go because I have to serve them even if I really want them to dissapear but I will try to get Carmen to leave or something after I serve them." explains Alecia and reaches for Laras hand and squeezes, waiting for a nod from Lara.

She leaves the kitchen and walks to the table thinking, there is a good chance they won't see each other they are on two different corners of the restourant...  
" Hi, are you ready to order" she asks with a polite fake smile, the girl wich she indentified as Alice gives her a double take and then gives her her order. They all order what they want.

When Alecia comes back with the drinks for the table and says :" The food will be ready in a bit, anything else I can get you?"  
" You kind of look like someone I know...are you gay?" asks Alice bluntly. Her girlfriend next to her rolls her eyes as Alecia answers :" Yes I am " " Did you date Gabby Deveaux?" asks Alice again. Alecia laughs uncomfortably and says :" No I didn't.."  
" Leave her be, Al" says Shane, just looking at Shanes face makes Alecia angry, what kind of person would humiliate someone they love like that. " I'll be back" says Alecia and as she walks away she hears :" Hey Shane you sure you didn't have sex with her, cause she had that - I was just another number I would like to rip of your head - look going."

Alecia walks to Carmens table who is listening to her ipod and writing something down.  
" Hey whatcha doing" asks Alecia, looking back at table 8 making sure, they are not looking over.  
"Nothing just writing some ideas down.." says Carmen not looking up from her notes.  
" Cool ..uhm you know its getting bussier, maybe you should leave, I don't want you to sit here all alone when I can't talk to you"  
lies Alecia in a anxious voice.  
At that Carmen looks up and sees the conflict in her best friends eyes :" What's wrong?" she asks.  
"Nothing I just don't want you to be bored here when you could be bored at home" laughs Alecia awkwardly.  
" You suck at lying, tell me" pleads Carmen.  
Alecia still hesitates but then takes a seat and takes Carmens hand " Do you trust me?" she asks in a quiet voice.  
Carmen looks her eyes on Alecias and says :" Of course"  
" Ok then you need to leave, leave and I will explain at home what happend please" begs Alecia.  
Carmen searches her best friends face for any sign that this is some kind of weird joke but when she sees there is none,  
she says :" Ok".  
Alecia lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding as Carmen packs her things into a bag and gets up to get her jacket.

" O MY GOD CARMEN IS THAT YOU" there is a loud voice behind them and as they both turn around they see its Alice.  
" FUCK MY EVERYTHING IT IS YOU" says Alice and walks toward Carmen whos smile is the one of confused but still happy to see her friend.  
" Alice oh my I haven't seen you in so long" she says and squeezes her friend tighter. Alecia rolls her eyes and thinks, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck she will have to see her now FUCK FUCK.  
" It has been long where has your sexy ass have been" asks Alice in a serious voice.  
" Oh you know here and there" answers Carmen in a laugh as she pulls back.

Alice smiles at her friend and then affectionetly says :" You look really good".Carmen laughs and ducks her head, and then it downs on her, Alecia wanted her to leave, Alice is here hugging her, SHANE IS HERE TOO. She looks up and connects her gaze with her best friends and knows by the way Alecia is looking at her that she is right.

" So how are things" asks Carmen while looking around the restourant, when she catches sight of Shane, her stomach drops, she immediatly feels a burning behind her eyes and all the memorys coming back. She swallows hard around the lump and can't help but think, that Shane looks gorgeus.  
" Oh you know same old...well except no I'm getting married" says Alice in a exited voice at that Carmen looks back at her and says :" Whaaaaat? Are you fucking kidding me? That's so great" and hugs her friend again. Alecia who followed Carmens eyes and saw the pain in her best friends eyes, walks away hesitantly to get the orderes to the table.

"So who is the lucky lady" asks Carmen in a genuine and soft voice.  
" Oh right ..why don't you come to our table and I introduce you...- she trails of, realizing what that would mean and says- or ...you know we don't have to do that.." Carmen locks her eyes on Alice and sees the honest worrie in her eyes.  
" Look Carmen I know its been 3 years, but we were friends..close friends.. I don't want you to go over there and hurt." states Alice while grasping Carmens hand,Carmen smiles with tears in her eyes. and says :" I'm so sorry Alice.. I was hurting but just ditching all of you because of...I'm really sorry" Alice smiles and pulls her into a hug " I don't blame you " she whispers running a hand down Carmens back.

" Thank you " says Carmen as she pulls back and sniffs back the tears " But I'm okay we can go over there ..I wanna meet that woman that tamed you" she jokes.  
Alice laughs and takes Carmens hand and pulls her towards her table, where Alecia is serving the food to the rest of the group, as they aproach Alice says loudly :" Guys look who I found"  
Shane who was casualy answering a text looks up and when she sees Carmen, her mouth drops open. Her stomach errupts in thousend twists, most of them out of guilt but others at how beautiful and breathtaking Carmen looks.  
" Bloody hell" says a woman with a british accent and gets up to hug Carmen while the other two sitting at the table look confused.  
" Helena my god you look great " says Carmen pulling back from the hug.  
" Me? You you look fucking stunning" says Helena while looking Carmen all over, Carmen laughs and smacks her arm.  
" Ok Carmen, this is my fiance Tasha, Tasha this is Carmen, I told you a couple of times about her" introduces Alice.  
Carmen smiles warmly at her and shakes her hand :" Nice to meet you"  
" Nice to meet you too, I've heard only great things about you" smiles Tasha back.  
" Yeah like the way you can shake that latina ass" throws Alecia into the conversation and when everybody looks at her, Carmen says :" Right guys, this is my best friend and room mate Alecia"  
" Also known as your waitress " jokes Alecia earning a small laugh.

When the girl next to Shane reaches for her hand, Carmens eyes drop to that gesture and Shane sees that so she pulls her hand back,  
pretending to scratch her ear, still not grasping what's happening a moment ago she was having lunch with her friends and now she is facing the woman who she left at the alter and judging by the look Alecia was giving, time didn't heal that wound.  
" I don't think we have been introduced" says Carmen to the short haired woman sitting next to Helena.  
" Oh where are my manners, Carmen this is Dylan my girlfriend, Dylan this is Carmen" they share a hand shake and a polite smile.

After that Carmen decides to be the bigger person, to be the stronger person so she extands her hand to Shane who still hasn't closed her mouth and says with a poker face :" Hey Shane, long time no see"  
Alecias eyebrows raise at that not expecting that, but as she looks around the table she realizes no one was expecting that.  
Shane swallows hard and the reaches her hand and shakes Carmens, trying to shake of the feeling of electricity going through her hand and says :" Yeah...its...Its great to see you" she admits honestly.

Carmen holds her gaze for a few seconds and then pulls her hand back and sees the confused look on the girl next to her but before she can dwell on it the girl extands her hand and says :" Hi I'm Molly"  
At that Alecia laughs and everyone looks at her, she stops laughing and looks at them :" Oh sorry I thought you were joking"  
" Hey!" protests Molly, Carmen laughs at her friend and says :" Hey Molly, I'm Carmen and my roommate here has a weird sense of humour" and pokes her tongue playfully at Alecia.  
Alecia smiles at her and looks around the restourant to see if anyone needs anything.  
Molly smiles at her and looks at Shane who has her gaze locked on the table.

" Carmen you should take a seat and eat with us, tell us whats going on with you" suggests Alice.  
" Well I just ate, but if I'm not intruding, sure why not" says Carmen and sits down on the empty chair next to Alice.  
" You could never intrude" states Alice and smiles warmly at her friend, looking at Shane seeing that she finally looked up and is currently looking Carmen all over.  
"How about you Clown will you take a seat too?" asks Molly in a teasing tone. Alecia looks at her and laughs saying:" My shift ends in a few minutes...so I'll be back." she looks at Carmen trying to read her friends expression but Carmen has her pokerface in place so she asks " Carmen do you need anything?" Carmen looks up at her and smiles a genuine smile and says :" No I'm good" Alecia studies her face for a few more minutes and then takes off. 


	2. Chapter 2

* I should have mentioned that english is my third language and that there will be a lot of mistakes, I'll try to keep them at a minimum. thanks for reading.*

As Alecia comes back to the table where the group was still chatting away, she catches words like Bette, New York, married and as she sitts down next to her best friend she decides to ask :" What did I miss?" and she puts an arm around Carmens chair and watches Shanes eyes follow that movement.  
" Alice just told me how she and Tasha met and she told me that Bette and Tina moved to New York." explains Carmen, smiling at her best friend.  
" Oh good, then please go on" Alecia said while moving her hand.  
" Actually I would like to know how you know the group?" asks Molly, directing her question at Carmen, Carmen looks shocked for a moment but then unfazed, it still suprises her thout her, could it be that Carmen was just another number to her, is it really possible that this still hurts so much. She looks to Shane and when their eyes lock and she reads the guilt in them, she decides to play this if she is over it, she wouldn't give Shane the satisfaction of still being hurt.

" I used to date Jenny " says Carmen bluntly and the whole table looks at her shocked and Shanes jaw drops to the floor.  
" Oh ..I would have never guessed...sorry for your loss?..." says Molly in a confused mumble.  
" Yeah I heard about what happend, but I still don't understand" says Carmen, directing her attention towards Alice.  
Alecia squeezes Carmens shoulder in support but locks her eyes on Shanes face, who still very much lost is looking at Carmen.  
"We are all not sure what happend, I mean one moment we were watching that incredible video she put together for Bette and Tina and the next moment she is laying dead in the pool" explains Alice.  
" Wow..did they ever find out if she tripped or if she wanted to jump?" asks Carmen in a quiet voice.  
" No those fucktards have no idea" answers Alice.  
While everyone takes a second to try to understand how all that happend, Alecias eyes are still locked on Shane and when Shane finally catches her gaze, she looks down at the table guilt evident in her posture.

Carmen leans her head back on Alecias arm and Alecia smiles warmly at her so Alice asks :" So how long have you two been together?"  
Carmen starts laughing as Alecia shakes her head and answers " We are not together...we are really close, roommates and best friends but we are not together."  
" Oh come...come on you can tell me, there was a one night stand..or regular friends with benefits fucking?" asks Alice bluntly, Carmen laughs again as Alecia says :" Wow she is exactly as you described her"  
" Don't deflect tell me, at least for the chart" pleads Alice " Oh don't worry, I am on the chart." says Alecia and winks at Alice.  
" Woho, I like your friend" says Alice to a still laughing Carmen.  
" I missed that laugh" admits Helena and smiles at Carmen, the beautiful latina smiles back at her but swallows all her words, she can't admit to them how much she missed them, she can't tell them how she spend days lonely in her mothers house wondering what they are doing, she can't admit to herself, how many times she imagined hanging out with them as Shanes wife.  
They are all lost in their own thoughts for a moment so no one sees Shanes pained expression, when Helena said she missed that laugh Shanes first thought was me too, so much.

"Do you think we should tell them that another ghost from their past is here?" asks Alecia in a hushed whisper that everyone could here.  
"Oh is another ex of Jenny here?" asks Molly serious.  
" It's more likely that another ex of Shane is here" says Alice before she can stop herself. Carmen smirks as Shanes eyes snap to Alice and Mollys eyes snap to Shane.  
" What?" asks Molly " Actually neither, its an ex of Alice" proclaims Alecia loudly, trying to avoid a scene here, she watched enough of that when she was younger.  
" Get the fuck out, who?" asks Alice looking between Carmen and Alecia.  
" We should give you a tip, but if you only dated one of those its not really a tip but whatever, she is a chef" says Alecia smirking lightly as Alice gapes.  
" Lara? Lara that left LA? How?" she asks as Tashe gives her a weird look.  
" Well that restourant burned down, and the owner gambled all his money away, so she came back here" explains Carmen.

Alecia winks at a waiter and when he walks toward her :" Can you tell Lara to come out here for a sec." He nods and walks off.  
" Wait a minute, who the fuck is Lara?" asks Tasha, jealousy evident in her voice, Alice smiles at her and as they bicker like an old married couple, Carmen lets her eyes wander around the table, to Shane whos eyes are fixed on her hands and to Molly who watches Alice and Tashe with amusement in her eyes. As she looks Shane all over, she sees how she let her hair grow out and how cute it looks, that her style hasn't changed, and that she is as breathtaking as ever, before she can pull her eyes away, Shane looks up and their eyes meet.  
Their stare is intense, Carmen trying to look as uneffected as possible, while Shane tries to tell her how sorry she is with her eyes.

Carmen can't stand to look at those eyes she loved so much anymore and drops her gaze to her best friend, who is texting, as her eyes look to her friends cellphone she reads " You ok? Do you want me to plan an escape?" Carmen laughs at her roommate and then kisses her cheek and whispers in her ear " I'm fine".

Alecia knows her friend better than that but doesn't say anything, she thinks, its ok, because this time she has her to pick up the pieces,  
its ok because she won't let that soulless monster anywhere near her bestfriend.  
As they see Lara approaching Helena gets up and hugs her, Alecia can't help the jealousy twist she feels in her chest, she knows she and Lara are not dating and that they both decided its best that way, but she can't help her feelings.  
" Wow Alice its so good to see you" she says as she embraces her friend, trying to not look scared by the woman who's looking at her weird.  
" Yeah it seems like a fucking decate" says Alice as she backs out of the embrace and then says :" Lara this is Tasha, Tasha this is Lara"  
They shake hands and exchange smiles, Laras real and Tashas fake.  
"Shane are you not going to hug me?" asks Lara playfully. Shane looks up seemingly lost and then sees Lara and says :" Oh ..Oh sorry I didn't see you" and gives her a quick hug.  
Alice flicks Shanes head and says :" Hey Shane, Shane where are you?" Shane just glares at her and takes a seat.

" Well its so good to see you guys and congratulations on the wedding. Honestly after Dana...- she trails off - I'm just so happy that you found someone who can make you happy." says Lara with so much honesty in her eyes, that Tasha is almost ashamed of getting jealous.  
" Thank you" whispers Alice and hugs her ex girlfriend again.  
" I have to get back to work but I hope to see you guys around" says Lara.  
" You should come to the wedding, all three of you, plus dates of course" says Alice exited, as Shanes eyes snap to her again.  
" I don't know" says Lara..  
" Yeah we all know how the last wedding I attendet endet up" says Carmen mockingly, everyone whips their heads to her with an open mouth, while Shane stares at her hands and tries to swallow the tears, the pain and the guilt while, she stares disbelievingly at the floor, she did not just say that out loud.  
Alecia laughs and says :" I don't need a date, Lara can be my date" she winks at her playfully.  
Lara walks closer and pats her with the tip of her finger on her nose and says :" I told you I don't date colegues." and then turns her attention back to Alice, while laughing at Alecias pout and says :" It would be an honour"

Alice smiles at her and looks at Carmen and Alecia, Alecia looks between Carmen and Alice and says :" If Carmen goes, I'm going and I will find a date, I will not be third wheel."  
" How can you be third wheel?" asks Helena confused.  
" Oh I'm coming but I'm bringing my girlfriend " says Carmen, ignoring Helenas question. At that Shane looks up but meets the angry gaze of Alecia and looks right back down.  
" Oh good great, so thats 4 for now, what about you two? Dates?" asks Alice looking between Alecia and Lara, but they are staring at each other, basicly eyesexing each other. " I'll let you know" says Lara as she pulls her eyes away and walks back to the kitchen.

As everyone takes their seats back at the table, Alice can't help her curiousity and asks :" So you and Lara?"  
Alecia laughs blushing lightly and admits :" We had a one night stand...a couple of times."  
" Woho" says Alice wiggling her eyebrows, as Alecia ducks her head and Carmen ruffles her hair, Shane follows Carmens hand with her eyes and can't help the pain that she is feeling, Carmen used to do that all the time to her, she loved playing with Shanes hair.

" Ok can I ask an odd question?" asks Molly out of nowhere, and everyones head whips to her, Alecia sees the panic in Shanes eyes and laughs and says :" Is it as odd as your name?"  
" Ha ha - mocks Molly and asks - What happend on the last wedding you attendet?" directing the question at Carmen, Carmen not prepared for that question looks totally shocked, as everyone else just tries to avoid being awkward.  
" She was the dj and she was drunk so she spilled her drink all over the brides dress" answers Alecia for her best friend, not wanting her to get anymore humiliated than she already was.  
Carmen swallows hard and tries to catch Shanes eyes but they are still locked on the table so she gets up saying :" Guys it was really great seeing you but I have to be at this video shoot in like one hour and I have to change."  
Alecia and Carmen get up and as Carmen huggs the group goodbye, Alecia walks closer to Shane and extands her hand squeezing it a litte roughly she says :" It was nice to meet you." Shane is not an idiot, that look is clear as the day, it says " stay the fuck away from Carmen", Shane nodds and holds her gaze.

As they leave the restaurant, Alecia puts an arm around Carmens shoulder and holds her close.

The group is quiet for a moment and then Alice says :" I can't believe we ran into Carmen "  
" I can't believe you invited them to the wedding" states Shane, in a disbelieving quiet mumble.  
At that Alice and Helena glare angrily at Shane, still not believing how Shane could just leave the girl infront of the alter and ruining all their friendships with her and Alice answers :" Why wouldn't I invite them, Carmen was one of our best friends and Tasha wants a big wedding, so why the fuck would I not invite them."  
Shane connects her hurt gaze with Alice but swallows her words.  
" Also they are all hot" states Dylan, laughing at the glare from Helena and adds :" What? There will be a lot of soldiers and they will flirt away hoping to get laid, but only get dissapointed." Tasha laughs at that and hearing her fiances laugh, Alice can't help but laugh too.

" So what I get from this, you don't like Carmen?" asks Molly, her weird behaving girlfriend.  
Shane looks up at her but doesn't know what to say so she just shakes her head.  
" O my god was she one of thousand?" asks Molly, that's the question she always asks when they ran past a girl that stares longigly at Shane.  
But that question actually upsets Shane now for the first time :" What? No, no she was not. No..deffinetly not". The group stares at Shane and Alice feels sorry for her for the first time since she saw Carmen again, she sees that this isn't easy on her either.  
" So you didn't fuck her?" asks Molly confused.  
Shane holds her girlfriends gaze and knows she can't lie to her, they are going to see her again and if any of this is going to work out she has to be honest.  
" No ..I did but she was not one of thousand...She ...She was different.." she finishes while staring at her hands.  
Molly nodds but pushes again " What does that mean?"  
Shane swallows hard and then looks up with determination in her eyes and says :" We almost got married"


	3. Chapter 3

Alecia was driving slowly, ever so often glancing at her best friend in the passenger seat. She knew Carmen would try to keep herself together at least until they are in the safety of their home. After 10 minutes of quiet driving, Alecia couldn't stand it anymore :" I'm so sorry Car, so fucking sorry" she blurted out.

Carmens eyes snap to hers as confusion fills her features :" What? What are you sorry for?"  
" It's my fault you were in the restaurant and it's my fault they saw you and -" she tries to explain but Carmen interupts her :" Are you fucking serious? None of this is your fault, if anything you being there kept me sane for the past hour, so please shut the fuck up."  
Alecia sighs still angry at herself :" So how are you feeling?"  
Carmen licks her lips and shakes her head :" I'm fucking angry, ..I'm fucking hurt, she sat there at that fucking table and coward away just like she always did. She sat there and let her girlfriend ask me how I know the group and didn't say one fucking word.  
She ...She hasn't changed one bit and it fucking hurts that ...that.." she trails of, wiping the tears of her cheeks.  
" That you still have feelings for her?" asks Alecia in a whisper.  
Carmen chokes back a sob and burries her face in her hands and then lets out a humorless laugh and says :" Obviously I haven't changed either...What kind of fucked up person, still feels for the person that humiliated her in front of all her friends and family?"  
Alecia trying to light the mood guesses :" Crazy hot latinas?"  
Carmen laughs at that and leans her head back against the seat and shakes her head.  
They continue to drive in silence but Carmen reaches over and puts her hand on top of Alecias.

(back at the restaurant)

Molly opens and closes her mouth a couple of times and then chokes out :" You ...you what?"  
Shane looks down at her lap and then back up and says :" We almost got married."  
" You and ..and that ...and Carmen?" repeats Molly trying to wrap her head around it.  
" Yes" says Shane in a quiet voice, embarrassed that the whole table is watching but still standing up for her mistakes.  
" What does almost mean? You ...You propsed and took it back? What?... I don't understand?" rambles Molly confusion overtaking her features.

Shane swallows hard and tries not to see the images of what happened and tries not to imagine a broken Carmen after Alice told her.  
" I proposed and two months later in Canada, when everything was ready, I ran out on her" she admits in a painfull whisper.  
Molly drops her jaw for the second time today and then whispers :" Everything was ready ... You ran out on her?.."  
Alice not able to keep her comments to herself as always says :" Well actually on the evening of the wedding, when Carmen walked down the aisle, Shane send me to tell Carmen that she is sorry." Shane stares disbelievingly at her friend, while Mollys jaw dropps further.

Alice stares back at Shane and says:" Oh that question and answer thing could have gone forever I just wanted to help."  
Shane glares at her friend but then directs her attention back to her girlfriend.  
Who shakes her head disbelievlingly :" You told me you've never been in love...You told me you had a few serious relationships but they didn't mean anything..." Molly gets up from the table and shakes her head :" Everything was a lie? Did you ever tell me the truth about anything?" she asks yelling and then shakes her head and storms out of the restaraunt.

" That went well " says Alice and sips on her drink, not even slightest suprised by any of this. If they had a dollar for everytime Shanes fuckfriends threw a tantrum. " You were a great help." says Shane shaking her head and closing her eyes. Memorys of the night before the wedding haunt her,  
torture her. If she had just stayed in the hotelroom with Carmen or if she had just not cared about what her fucked up father said. If she had never invited him, she would be married to Carmen. She could still be happy. Afraid of admitting it to herself, that Carmen was the only woman she ever loved, that the relationship with Carmen was the only time Shane felt happy and secure. She tried to lie to everyone around her and herself that she was in love with Molly, but how could she be when she had the greatest girl and threw her away...

( In A & C apartment)

Carmen walks to her bedroom and just lays down on the bed, not able to stand any longer, emotionally exhausted, like so many times before because of Shane. Alecia follows her and lays down next to her, she doesn't say anything because she doesn't have to, Carmen knows she is there and that's all she needs.  
Carmen sniffles and then just breaks down, she curls into Alecias side and sobbs, her best friend puts her arms around her and holds her tight, as if to remind her that what happend is in the past and they are here, in the present, she doesn't have to be afraid.  
As Carmen sobbs and mutters uncohorent sentences, Alecia picks up a few :" Was I not good enough?" " Why couldn't she let us be happy" " Oh god it hurts, why does it still hurt ?" and she doesn't even notice how her own tears slide down her face, pained to see her friend like this, pained that she can't do anything about it. She lets her cry against her shoulder until she is too exhausted to continue and passes out, she holds her tight and strokes her hair while she sleeps because she knows that that calms her down.

An hour later Alecia tries to shift subtly because her arm feels dead but Carmen wakes up and asks in a sleepy voice :"Where are you going?", Alecia smiles at her and kisses her temple and says :" No where but my arm hurts" " Oh sorry" says Carmen and moves so she can pull out her arm, " Shit what time is it?" asks the sleepy latina.  
" Almost 5. Why?" " I'm meeting Rachel in an hour" she answers as she gets up to get ready.  
" Are you sure this is a good idea right now?" asks Alecia concerend for her roommate. Rachel and Carmen have been dating for a while now on and off, they are not really together more like, just to scratch certain itches at least in Carmens eyes.  
Rachel is very much in love with Carmen but would never admit that. Rachel is actually very beautiful, she has short shaggy hair, shoulderlength, she has a body to die for and a gorgeus face but her personality lacks well personality and she is very loud.  
" Not really, but sitting here and falling into a depression again isn't a better idea either." explains Carmen and Alecia nodds,  
" So what are your plans for tonight?" she asks casually, trying not to stare at her friends body, who just took of her shirt and walks around in a bra and shorts.

" We are going out for a few drinks and then go to her place or come back here..wanna come?" she asks as she takes of her bra too, Alecia at this point doesn't even try to pretend that she is not looking, her roommate is hot, probably one of the hottest girls she has ever seen and just because they are best friends doesn't mean that she doesn't see that.  
" Like what you see A.?" she asks in a flirting voice. Alecia nodds and crooks her eyebrow suggestively.  
" Oh I wanna come" she answers with a smirk. They are both playing at this point, knowing that neither would ever go further and jeopardize their friendship.

As she watches her friend pull of her shorts and underwear she gets up to leave the room :" I'm gonna need a cold shower".  
she hears Carmen laugh as she exits the room and smiles, she loves that sound, its such a contrast from a few hours ago.

( At Shanes house)

Shane walks into her house and throws the keys on the table, she wants to call out to check if Max is home but is afraid that she might wake his little girl in the process. So she takes a beer from the fridge and walks to her room and closes the door gently.

She sits down on the bed and thinks about everything that happend, she still can't believe that she saw Carmen today and even more than that she can't believe how it made her feel. How is it possible that she still feels like she felt when they met for the first time.

She shakes her head, trying to shake of that feeling but she can't, she knows that she never could. She walks over to her closet and looks for the two tshirts that she kept that belonged to Carmen, one of those shirts is from the day, they met. Shane will never forget that day, she walks back to the bed and pulls out a box. Right there is a picture of Carmen in her wedding dress, a picture Jenny took before they all gathered outside, Jenny never told her about this picture, she found it in her stuff after she died.

"Jenny", she thinks sadly, she still feels guilty, Jenny and Carmen, two people that she loved and destroyed. She doesn't deserve to be happy not after how she treated so many people but she needs to make amends, she needs to apologize and explain to Carmen what happened, Carmen needs to know that she didn't leave her because she didn't love her. She thought it would be better to hurt her then than years later. The way she did it was wrong, but she did it for the right reasons and she will not give up until Carmen knows that.  



	4. Chapter 4

(1 week later)

" And you really think this is a good idea?" asks Alecia for the 5th time as Carmen was changing.  
" No ..but yes, I think it will show that I have no feelings left for her, therefor I'm not avoiding her and everyone else" she answers honestly,while avoiding her best friends eyes.  
" But you do have feelings left for her" states her best friend bluntly.  
Carmen scoffs and says :" Don't you think I know that but thats why Rachel is coming too". Alecia shakes her head and says :" Fine but we need more back up, I'm asking Lara to come too."  
" I'm sure thats the reason why you are asking her to come" Carmen says giggling.  
" Shut up" says Alecia smiling and throws a pillow at her.

Alecia is still not convinced what going to "Hit" to meet the group will bring but she will tag along and be there for her friend, as she finishes that thought there is a knock on the door.  
" Oh great Rachel is here, quick where are my earplugs?" asks Alecia in a mocking voice.  
" Be nice" pleads Carmen as she walks to the door, as soon as she opened it Rachels lips are on hers pinning her to the door.  
" Seriously?" asks Alecia herself and shakes her head as she walks into her room. Rachel pulls away and says :" Oh sorry didn't see you there." Alecia walks back out with a jacket and says :" Yeah you had latina in your eye" Carmen laughs at that and says :" Are we ready to go?"  
" No dry humping in the backseat of my car or you are walking to the club" she says in a serious voice.  
Carmen laughs even more as Rachel answers :" Can't promise anything"

" Oh god" Alecia mutters as she walks out and texts Lara " Need back up, please tell me you can come?"

( In the club)

The group is sitting around a table on the comfortable couches, they are laughing and gossiping as always, Molly is there too, she decided to give Shane another chance even though she didn't actually ask for one. While everyone is having fun Shane keeps looking around the club, hoping to see the woman of her dreams. When she heard that Carmen is coming too, she couldn't sit still, she is not sure tonight is the right time to talk to her but then again there probably never will be a time for that painfull conversation.

" So when are Carmen and those other people getting here?" asks Kit.  
" I don't really know I just told her that you wanted them to come.." states Alice making a face.  
" I'm just so excidet I haven't seen my favourite Dj in so long." says Kit and slaps Shanes tigh to get her to stop bouncing her knee.  
" You okey there? You seem a bit edgy?" says Alice smirking lightly. Molly looks at her Shane and tries to read her expression but no one was ever able to read Shane, no one but Carmen, thinks Alice as she watches the scene.  
" I'm good, just need another beer." she answers and gets up.  
" Shane.." calls Molly out with a pleading look.  
Shane looks at her and waits for her to continue, but she knows what that look means and when she doesn't get an answer she plays it off :" I'll be right back, I promise". Molly watches her leave, while Alice shakes her head.

5 minutes later, Carmen, Rachel, Lara and Alecia walk in and are impressed by the club.  
" Wow this is...so many hot chicks...can't think clear" states Alecia laughing lightly, as Laras jeolous gaze pulls up to her.  
" Try to pick up at least 3 of them" says Rachel moving her head to the rythmus of the music. Lara glares at Rachel as Alecia answers :" I will give my best."  
Carmen wasn't listening to that whole exchange she was looking around for the group, or actually for Shane but she spottet the group but the one she is looking for isn't with them, so she keeps looking.  
" They there are " says Lara and points to the part of the club, her friends have occupied. In that moment Carmen sees Shane at the bar, who is slowly turning around with a beer in her hand, she looks around and her eyes land on Carmen, she would probably look her all over if she could but her eyes stay glued to Carmens intense gaze.

Carmen swallows hard as she tries to keep up her pokerface, Shanes eyes, the eyes she fell for so hard will never not remind her of all that she loved and all that she lost. As she gets lost in those eyes, she can't help but remember the first time they met up in a club after they had sex in that studio. She rememberes the pain of seeing her kiss a random stranger and feeling like a random number.

All Shane sees in those eyes is anger and hurt and it pains her because she knows she deserves it, she knows she will never be able to make up for what she did but she sure as hell will try.

As Shane finally gets enough courage to walk over to them, she sees Rachel put an arm around HER Carmens shoulder. No,  
Carmens shoulder, she can't think like that, it's not right and she shouldn't think like that, but all of that doesn't change the pain that runs through her. She stops walking as she watches them.

" Baby what are you doing? We already found your friends." whispers Rachel in her ear and pulls her towards the table. Carmen finally pulls her eyes away but not before studying Shanes expression upon seeing Rachel put an around her. She smirks to herself and puts an arm around Rachels waist, hoping Shane is still looking.

" Hey you" says Carmen to Kit as they embrace each other, after everyone greeted everyone, Alecia and Lara take a seat on of those comfortable couch chairs. Carmen then sees that Molly is scowling at her and she realizes that Shane probably told her everything, so she just smiles and says a short hello to her and sits on the arm of the couch chair that her friends occupied, as Rachel goes to get them drinks.

As Rachel gets to the bar, she stands right next to Shane, just that she doesn't know who Shane is..yet. Shane looks at her and decides to just introduce herself and see the girls reaction :" Hey, I'm Shane" she says as she holds out her hand, Rachel turns her gaze to her and looks her up and down and then gives a flirty smile " Hey, I'm Rachel".

Shane is completly stunned by this, not just that she doesn't know who she is but she also is trying to flirt with her. She doesn't know what to say so she asks :" Are you here with someone?"  
Rachel moves closer and says :" I am, actually, but maybe we could meet up another time?"  
Shane frowns a little angry even though she realizes what a hypocrit that makes her and says :" I have a girlfriend, I was just asking for a friend."  
" Oh, ok then" says Rachel and takes the 4 drinks and goes back to the table, leaving a confused Shane behind. She knows Carmen would never keep secrets from her girlfriend but she also knows Carmen wouldn't be in an open relationship so what the fuck is she trying to do? Did she just bring that girl to make her jealous?

As Rachel takes a seat next to Carmen she hears Lara ask :" Where is Shane tonight?" and she looks up and connects her confused gaze with the girl who answers :" I don't know she said she will be right back...you know Shane." answers Alice while making a face.  
" I just met a girl at the bar who's name was Shane." Rachel says laughing lightly and everyones attention snapps to her.  
" Oh really?" asks Molly in an angry voice, while Carmen smirks, Molly thinks Shane was flirting but Carmen knows she wasn't.  
They see Shane approach the table and hear Molly ask :" Did you find something good at the bar?", she looks confused at her girlfriend :" What?"  
"Nothing" answers Molly and crosses her arms over her chest.

Shane would push but she doesn't really care, she walks over and hugs Lara and then holds out a hand to Alecia, who shakes it with a fake smile and then she looks at Carmen and holds out her hand to her too and looking at her sadly, knowing that everyone is probably watching. Carmen scans her face for a second and then takes her hand in hers and offers her a small smile. Shanes eyes fall to that smile and all she can think is how long it has been since she kissed those lips, she swallows hard and then turns to Rachel and says jokingly :" Ah we meet again." Carmen is sitll looking at Shane because she knows what that look meant, Shane was thinking about kissing her.

Rachel laughs and winks at her playfully.  
" Its good to know that you don't even deny that you made a pass at her" states Molly still glaring.  
Shanes attention snapps to her :" I..-What?".  
" No actually I made a pass at her, she turned me down." Rachel explains and then watches everyones jaw drop, everyones but Carmens, she knows she probably would have made a pass at her if she hadn't seen them together.  
" Oh...sorry" says Molly and smiles awkwardly at Shane. Shane just shakes her head and takes a seat next to her.

" This place looks great you guys, I can't believe this" says Carmen looking around.  
" Now if we only had a hot dj to play every other night" says Kit smiling at Carmen.  
Carmen beams at her and asks :" REALLY?"  
" Yes babygirl what did you think, we always have a place for you" says Kit and laughs as Carmen hugs her with tears in her eyes. " Thank you "

" Carmen " calls Alecia her friend and waits till she has her attention and then with a little nod of her head asks her if she is sure about that. Carmen smiles at her and nodds.  
Shane smiles at that, out of all things she regreted the most that she ruined all those friendships and seeing Carmen on a regular basis isn't bad either.

As Carmen walks back to her seat she gets pulled on Rachels lap and she starts kissing her neck. Shane looks away, she can't see that, she doesn't want to. Molly sees Shane look away and realizes that there are still feelings involved.  
" Really guys? You didn't even have your first drink?" asks Alice loud so they can hear her over the music. Carmen laughs and tries to get up.

Alecias eyes are scaning Shanes face and her posture, she is jealous and angry, and she realizes Carmen is not the only one with unsolved feelings. " Hey Shane" calls Alecia out and Carmens and Shanes eyes snapp to hers. " Are you having problems over there? she asks in an angry voice. Everyones eyes are now on them as Carmen searches her best friends angry face, not knowing where that came from.  
" What?" Shane asks pretending not to know what that is about.  
Lara sees that this could get bad so she calls out to the waiter and orderes them shots and then turns to Alecia and says :" You need to get your shit together" when she didn't even look at her, Lara shifted to catch her gaze and as she did Alecias eyes instantly softened.

An hour and about 20 shots later, the group was tipsy and dancing, everyone but Shane who was sitting at the table and watched Carmen dance with Rachel. Every few minutes she had to look away because the way Carmens hips sway never failed to turn her on.

She sees Alecia approach her and braces herself. Alecia sits down right next to her but doesn't say anything, she turns her head and looks at Carmen and Rachel dancing. They watch them for a few moments and then Alecia asks :" How could you ever let her go?" Shanes eyes snap to her but she is still looking at the dance floor, as she opens her mouth to answer she gets interupted " Actually - Alecia moves her gaze to Shane - it doesn't really matter how you could, the important part is, that you let her go and have no right to take that decision back now. You let her go and now you have to live your pathetic life knowing that. She moved on, she is happy, she doesn't need you, so if you ever try to get close to her, I will make sure you regret it." she finishes still holding Shanes gaze.

Shane looks down ashamed but then determination fills her features and she looks back up and conects their gaze.  
" I don't believe you that she moved on or is happy. I don't believe you because I know her." she watches Alecia clench her jaw. " You are right about one thing, I have to live knowing that I gave up the best thing that ever happened to me, not just gave up but basicly ripped her heart apart. I have to live with that, I know I'm pathetic but I will try to make amends and build a friendship, that's all I want. I'm not scared of you. I respect you for trying to protect her but you don't have to protect her from me, because I'd rather kill myself than hurt her again."

Alecia studys her eyes for a few moments, trying to see if she is lying or being honest, but this face she is seeing is so different than what she saw in the restaurant or an hour before. This is a completly open and vulnerable person and she is totally stunned by this, so she adverts her gaze and takes a couple of minutes before saying anything.

She watches Lara dance with some chick and says :" Ok", Shane looks at her confused and asks " Ok?" and Alecia turns her attention back to her and repeats :" Ok", this time Shane isn't confused she sees in her eyes what that ok means.  
They turn their attention back to the dancefloor where Alice and Tasha are now dancing slowly and Carmen and Rachel making out, Lara is flirting with some girl and Alecia says :" I bet I'm better in bed than that chick" and Shane laughs at that.

Carmen detaches herself from Rachel and says that she needs a break, Rachel stays at the dancefloor as she walks back to the table she sees Alecia and Shane laughing together and is completly baffled by this turn of events. She decides to play it cool and walks straight to them and sits down in Alecias lap.

" Why are you not dancing?" she asks her best friend, while she tries to avoid Shanes eyes who is openly staring at her.  
" Because if I'm too close to Lara I might jump her." Alecia admits honestly.  
Carmen patts her roommates back and then asks without making eye contact :" What about you? Your girl is dancing all alone." Shane studies her expression for a moment and then answers :" I don't feel like dancing today."  
Carmen nodds but still looks at her bestfriends face, who is still looking at Lara and her flirt. " Stop doing that to yourself"  
she tells her best friend in a quiet voice.

In that moment Alecia connects her gaze with some redhead thats been staring at her for a while. " You are right." she says as she gently pushes her off her lap and walks towards that girl.  
Shane thinks "this is it, you are alone with her, now or never" while Carmen thinks "What the fuck was Alecia thinking leaving me here alone with Shane."  
" Carmen" Shane whispers and watches Carmen pull her eyes towards her. Both of their eyes open and vulnerable, the alcohol not allowing Carmen to keep her pokerface up.  
" I want to explain what happend and -" " I don't need you to explain anything, all was clear when I heard that after you left the wedding you went to Cherie Jaffee's place." interupts her Carmen with tears in her eyes and gets up to leave.

Shane follows her :" Wait no it wasn't like that. Who told you that?" she asks her pulling her back by her arm, Carmen pushes her away and says :" Don't you fucking touch me. It wasn't like that? Jenny told me ok? Now fuck off. " and starts walking again, but Shane is not giving up and follows her out of the club.  
" Wait a second please just listen to me" Shane begs as she follows her, Carmen stops aprubtly and looks at her expactantly.  
" I didn't go to Cherie's place because I chose her over you or anything like that, I went to her place because I know that all of our friends would have found a way to convince me to stay." she explains and Carmen scoffs :" Are you fucking serious you think this is helping?"  
" No wait just listen ok. I needed to leave far from the wedding because it took everything in me to leave the hotel, it took everything in me to not come back and beg for forgiveness. I needed to leave because I know that I could have never made you as happy as you deserve to be. I left so you wouldn't fall apart if I cheated on you, 2 years from now. I tried to protect you"  
she explains her voice quivering.

" You think you fucking protected me? You didn't! YOU HUMILIATED ME INFRONT OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, you broke every promise you ever gave me, YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M HAPPIER NOW?" asks Carmen, tears streaming down her face.

Shane holds her gaze, ashamed of herself, tears in her eyes and nothing left to lose.  
" I'm so sorry" she whispers brokenly.  
" You think I give a shit if you are sorry, you didn't even call after you left , you didn't care one bit. Why the fuck would I believe you that you are sorry?" Carmen asks angrily

Shane looks confused and then says :" I stopped by 3 days after the wedding at your mothers house"  
" Fuck you. You think lying will bring you anything right now?" she accuses and then starts walking again but this time Shane doesn't follow just yells after her :" I stopped by, your two cousins pushed me and told me that they are happy that you didn't marry me, they pushed me and I fell to the ground, because I was weak, those 3 days I lived on Alcohol and drugs, I didn't have the strength to fight." Carmen stopped walking and listened, tears continuing to fall.

Carmen seems frozen in her spot, thinking of what would have been different if her cousins would have let her talk to her. She can't believe that they did that. Shane walks up to her and stands directly behind her :" You have to believe me how sorry I am,  
I wish all of this could have gone differently, I wish I could have been better...I wish I would have made you happy. I just want to be your friend, to have a chance to make it up to you, as your friend thats all I want." she admits, a single tear rolling down her cheek, betraying her.  
Carmen turns around and without any words hugs her, burries her face in her chest. She herself doesn't even know what that hug means, it probably doesn't mean anything, she just missed those arms around her and that familiar smell.

Shane lets out a deep sigh, as if she finally returned home and holds her tight, knowing that this could be the alcohol acting on Carmens feelings, knowing that this could be the last time. Carmen unintentionally nuzzles Shanes neck and then realizes that this is all wrong, so she steps back and looks at her, connecting their gazes, she sees the openess and vulnerabilty in those eyes,  
something that rarely happend, something she always treasured.

She reaches up and wipes Shanes tear away, at that contact Shanes breath hitches and she wants to kiss her so bad but then they both hear a voice behind them :" Am I interupting?", they both look towards the voice and see Molly standing there.

" No, we were just walking down memory lane" answers Carmen and glances at Shane one more time and then walks back into the club. 


	5. Chapter 5

..

"Alecia?" Carmen whispered into the dark room of her best friend. "A? Are you asleep?" she asks again.  
" If she were awake she would answer you don't you think?" comes a voice, next to the sleeping body of her roommate. Carmen looks confused, not remembering that her bestfriend took someone home last night.  
" Who are you?" she asks quietly.  
" Jenna, nice to meet you for the 4th time tonight." she answers with an eyeroll and turns her back to Carmen and Alecia. She laughs at that and then pokes Alecia to get her to wake up. Who groans in response and burries her head further into the pillow.  
"I need to talk to you!" she hisses.

" Can't it wait till I don't feel like my head will explode and there is not some random chick in my bed?" Alecia asks, her voice muffled by the pillow.  
" Hey!" says Jenna slightly offended, but doesn't turn around.  
"It's important." pleads Carmen.  
" Don't care" answers Alecia and turns her back on her roommate.  
" I will be mad at you if you ignore me" states Carmen slightly angry.  
" Still don't care " comes the response.  
Carmen stares angrily at her friends form and says :" Well then next time don't leave me alone with Shane. I won't have to wake to tell you what happened." and walks out of the room.

Alecia realizes what she said and shoots out of bed and follows her, stopping her right before she could reenter her own bedroom.  
" Wait, wait please, I'm sorry.I'm sorry" she whispers and hugs her friend, who hugs her back just as tight.  
She lets go of her and looks into her eyes :" I do care, you know I do".

" I know" answers Carmen and nods her head toward the living room, they walk over to the couch and sit down and Carmen takes her bestfriends hands " Whatever I tell you, you can't hold against me because I was drunk". Alecias eyes widened comically and she whisperes " You had sex with Shane?"  
" What? NO" answeres Carmen and shakes her head " Ok look, we were alone and she said she needed to explain and I didn't want her to explain so I got up to leave. She followed and I pushed her away so she followed me out of the club and she ...she said so many things I wanted to hear for years but ...and then..." she trailed off.  
" And then you had sex?" Alecia asks.  
" We did not have sex, we hugged but ...that was the alcohol speaking. You and your damn shots" she explains and punches Alecias arm.  
" So what happend, what exactly did she say?" Alecia asks, caressing her arm where she just had been punched.  
" I don't remember, I remember I felt relieved and that it was exactly what I wanted to hear, but that's it.." she sighs struggeling to remember.

" So what now?" asks Alecia after a comfortable silence. Carmen shakes her head around and sighs.  
" Listen, you don't have to feel bad for not remembering, if she meant all those things she'll repeat them to you when you are both more sober." she explains rubbing her bestfriends back as Carmen nods but she can't stop seeing those vulnerable eyes of Shane, open and honest, she can't stop thinking about what would have happened if Molly wouldn't have showed up.

Alecia studies her friends far away expression and can't help but ask :" Is there something you are not telling me?", Carmen locks their eyes and asks :" What did you and Shane talk about when you were alone?"  
Alecia adverts her eyes and swallows hard, but Carmen pushes for an answer :" Tell me."

Alecia slowly meets her friends eyes and says :" I kind of...told her to stay away from you and she ...said ...that I don't have to protect you from her because she would rather die than hurt you again." Carmen looks stunned and shudders a little from those words, she swallows hard and laughs humorless :" What the fuck am I doing? Why do I care?". Alecia looks at her friend helspless and shrugs,  
and then decides to say something " Look Carmen, if you feel that she has changed or think that what you two had can be fixed, then go for it. Otherwise there will always be What ifs in your head and...I've known you for two and a half years and I've never seen you happy or in love, I've never seen you look at somebody like you look at Shane, so if you decide that she is worth it, let her work for your forgiveness, if not, then ..I don't know let go, get closure or something."

Alecia studies Carmens expression and then they hear the door open :" Why are you not naked in the bed?" asks Rachel in a sleepy voice. Carmen chuckles and gives Alecia a hug and walks back to her bedroom.  
Alecia looks at the closed door and thinks " Why is it easier to give someone advice than to take your own", she shakes her head and goes back to her room.

As Carmen and Rachel lay down, the latter one lays half on top of Carmen and starts kissing her neck, while her hand squeeezes her tigh, but Carmen pulls away and says " I'm tired...and kind of hungover can we not do this now?" as she finishes she is already turning her back on Rachel, who looks confused but lays back down.

Infront of Carmens eyes, are so many different scenarios playing, how Shane could or already has hurt her. " If you decide he is worth it", her friends words keep repeating in her head but all she can think is " I decided a long time ago that she is worth it, but she decided that I'm not", with that thought a tear rolls down her cheek.

( at Shanes house. the next morning)

There is loud banging on the door, or in Shanes head she is not sure, as she opens her eyes slowly, she realizes it is at the door and she groans " I will kill you Alice". She gets up and walks slowly towards the door, the banging loud as ever, she opens the door and Alice smiles at her :" Took you long enough".  
" Fuck off, What do you want so early?" Shane asks angrily.  
" Early? It's half past 3 pm, you didn't even drink that much last night". asks Alice sitting down at the Kitchentable.  
Shane looks at her for a second and then sits down, " I know but I didn't get much sleep last night, Molly and I had a fight."  
"Oh is that why you left so early?" she asks studying her friends face.  
" Yeah" she answers shortly and nods her head. Alice nods her head slightly, silently asking her friend to continue. When nothing comes she asks " Do you wanna talk about?"  
" Nothing to talk about, she saw Carmen and me talking and got upset, we went home and fought." she explains.  
" She saw you and Carmen talking? What the fuck where you talking about" her bestfriend asks.  
Shane avoids her eyes and says :" Just stuff...".

Alice watches her face for a few seconds and then says :" Shane, you are my friend and I love you, but you have to let Carmen be,  
ok? Because when she saw us in the restaraunt, she looked fucking scared of seeing you. You fucking demaged her, so just don't.  
You have Molly, you said you loved Molly"  
Shane locks her hurt eyes with her best friends and says :" Don't you think I fucking know that?"  
" Well do you? Cause to me it fucking seems like you forgot how bad you hurt Carmen" states Alice blunty.  
Shane gets up and yells :" Fuck you, you really think I could forget how bad I hurt her and what I did? I COULD NEVER, it's all I think about on most days, don't you think I tried to move on. I thought I was in love with Molly, she chalanged me, she was good to me but ...but" her face crumbles, Alice swallows hard seeing her bestfriend near tears and asks " But she is not Carmen?".  
Shane pulls her eyes back up and nodds and just like that starts crying, Alice walks over and hugs her bestfriend. She saw Shane crying only a handfull of times in her life, most of wich were connected to Danas death or Jennys death, and when Shay left.

" I'm sorry" she whispers as she holds her friend tighter.  
" I am sorry, I never meant to hurt her" she whispers brokenly. 


	6. Chapter 6

(Sorry it took me so long to update, I had seriously no idea how to write what I wanted to write, but this came out, so I hope you like it.  
Thank you for your reviews, keep them coming. Also a big thank you to Patrick for helping me.)

3 days later and countless hours spent staring at the ceiling, Carmen is just as lost as she was before.

She knows how she feels, she knows that she still loves Shane, even after everything that had happened between them, it is something stronger than she is, it is something she hadn't been able fight, not since the moment she first laid eyes on her.

It's not like she didn't try to fight it at first, when she realized that Shane had always been player and that nothing good could come out of that, but then she would notice the way Shane looked at her and she knew that it was a feeling she would never be able to fight ...

She knows what she feels but she doesn't know what to do, or if she should do anything at all. Shane is still the peson that hurt her over and over again. That promised she would try to change for her and then left her at the altar, but Shane is also the same person that only ever opened up to her and she is the same person that begged for forgiveness, something Shane had never done before.

One thing Carmen knows for sure is that if opens herself up and gets hurt again, it will destroy her.

She sighs and just as she gets up from the bed, there is a knock on the door. She shrugs, not knowing who that could be and walks over to the door.  
As she opens it, she is suprised to see Alice standing there.  
" Heeey, thise is a nice suprise" admits Carmen.  
" Yeah well I was in the neighborhood and stopped by" says Alice smiling at her friend.  
" Come in" says Carmen as she holds the door open.  
" Wow, this is a nice place" says Alice walking to the kitchen table and sitting down. Carmen smiles at her and says :" Yeah I love it. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? Juice?"  
Alice laughs :" Nothing thanks, just wanted to talk to you."

Carmen sits down infront of Alice and narrows her eyes on her and smiles: " I'm all ears".  
Alice laughs and says :" I just wanted to check if you are ...ok? I guess... I mean..Fuck Carmen I know its been a long time, but I'm still your friend and Shane told me what happened and I just wanted to make sure you are alright you know?."  
Camen swallows around the lump in her throat and looks away :" I'm fine, I mean I don't even remember most of what was said that night, too many shots." she says and laughs.  
Alice studies her face for a second and then just whispers :" She is really sorry you know and I know that that doesn't change anything, but she would really love to try to make it up to you as a friend."  
Carmen connects their eyes and nodds " I know, but that doesn't change that ...I'm terrified."  
Alice takes in the tears in Carmen's eyes and nodds " I know.." she reaches out and takes her friends hand.

They hear a knock at the front door and Carmen gets up and wipes at her eyes, she opens the door and reveals Rachel.  
:" Hey"  
" Hey, I just wanted to stop by and see if you are alive, since you've been ignoring my calls and everything." Rachel says walking in, Carmen narrows her eyes at her but doesn't say anything.  
Alice gets up and says :" I'm gonna go now, but I'll see you tomorrow at the 'planet' right?"  
" Right" Carmen nodds and hugs her friend goodbye.

" So you gonna tell me whats going on?" Rachel asks, with angry eyes.  
" Look I don't know what your problem is, since we aren't really dating, and this is all a sex-thing, you don't really have a reason to be upset with me" says Carmen as coldly as she can. She sees the flash of hurt in Rachel's eyes and swallows hard.  
She watches Rachel nodd and then sees lust in her eyes. The brunette smirks at Carmen and says :" Well if it's just a sex thing, than please come and let me come.." as she starts unbuttoning her shirt. Carmen looks away :" I'm not really in the mood"  
" Oh so we are only a sexthing when you are in the mood? Well too bad because I'm in the mood now " she says and walks behind Carmen and kisses her shoulder.  
Rachel pulls Carmen's back flush against her front and kisses her neck slowly.

Carmen relaxes back into her but when she closes her eyes, all she can see are Shane's open and vulnerable eyes. So she snaps her eyes open and turns around and pulls Rachel hard into her and kisses her agressivly. Rachel suprised by this turn of events, just pulls her to the floor and asks :" Alecia won't be coming home soon right?", Carmen who is biting her neck and leaving angry marks says :" Nothing she hasn't seen before" as she pulls her own tshirt over her head and pushes Rachel's shirt off her shoulder.

They are kissing again, all tongue and teeth, rough and agressiv and Carmen is moaning but she has her eyes open the whole time, not wanting to see Shane's eyes, she begs :" Please Rach, I need you..please make me forget" Rachel confused as to what Carmen wants to forget pushes her to the floor, so that she can lay on top of her and pushes her hand into her shorts.  
" Yes" moans Carmen at the first contact.

( The next evening)

Shane had been sitting in her car and fighting with herself for over an hour. She wanted to go to Carmen's and talk to her to know if there would still be any weirdness between them. She wanted to go there before Carmen went to the planet but now she is probably already on her way there and Shane is still arguing with herself.

As she leans her head against her seat all she can think of is how unfair she has been to Carmen since they met, but now especially. What gives her the right to ask for a second chance as a friend? She shakes her head and lets out a frustrated groan.

'I will go there and tell her that she doesn't have to talk to me ever again if she doesn't want to' she thinks and nods to herself as she starts the car.

( In the 'planet')

Carmen is at the Dj pult, the whole club is going crazy, lesbians all over each other, a few gay guys, a few drunk straight guys trying their luck. She is watching them all, she still loves observing all that engery. Alecia walks up to her and brings her a beer.  
" Have I told you how sexy you look today" says Carmen smiling at her friend.  
" No you haven't...Asskissing won't make up for the fact that I had to bleach my eyes." she says as she watches a couple make out heavily very close to them.  
" Oh like you haven't seen us naked before." says Carmen laughing at her friends expression.  
" Whatever" says Alecia with a wave of her hand, silently begging for a subject change. Carmen laughs and asks " Is Lara here tonight?". Alecia shakes her head:" Nope"

" Even better at least I know you won't be leaving me alone tonight" says Carmen, while dancing against Alecia, who laughs and starts swaying her hips against her friend's, practicly grinding. What they don't know is that Shane arrived and is currently watching them. It's giving her flashbacks to that time where she used to come to the 'planet' and see Carmen dancing with Jenny.

She shakes her head and goes to get herself a drink. Alecia sees her and stops dancing and connects her eyes with her bestfriend and nods her head in that direction.  
Carmen looks over and sees Shane ordering herself a drink, while some girl is throwing herself at her. Carmen laughs humorless and changes the discs on her pult.  
Alecia studies her friend with a worries expression but doesn't say anything.

" Hey, my name's Dani" says some blond girl next to Shane, who turns around smiles at her and walks over to where her friends are sitting. Not aware that Carmen saw that and is shocked, never before has she seen Shane blow someone off like that, not even when they were dating.

"Hey Shane" says the whole group and then Alice says " Guess what?"  
"What?" asks Shane smiling at her friends enthusiasm.  
" Bette got a few days off, so they can come to the wedding. All four of them" Alice says and smiles at Tasha.  
" What? That's incredible, I can't wait to see them." admits Shane honestly, with a big beaming smile on her face.

Shane looks up just in time to catch Carmen looking at her. The moment their eyes meet is like a shock of electricity, it's extremely overwhelming but neither of them is looking away; they got lost in each others eyes. She swallows hard when Carmen does look away and she thinks to herself 'Now or Never'.

She gets up, and ignores the confused looks her friends are giving her and walks over to where Alecia and Carmen are. Alecia sees her coming and smiles at her.  
" Hey Shane having fun?" she asks, as Carmen turns around and gives Shane a small smile but then continues to look for something in her bag.  
" I am, actually I just found out that Bette and Tina are coming to the wedding so I'm really happy right now" she says loudly and smiles that beaming smile again.  
Carmen looks up :" What? Really" Oh my god that's amazing" she says in an excited voice and gives Shane a beaming smile, who smiles right back. They don't even realize that they've been standing like that staring and smiling at each other for a few minutes until they hear a cough from Alecia.

Carmen laughs awkwardly and changes discs again and then continues to search for something in her bag. Alecia watches the whole group of friends stare at their direction, probably trying to figure out what Shane is doing.  
"Carmen?" Shane says loudly over the music " Hmm?" she asks, pretending to be distracted.  
" I was thinking..maybe we could talk? Just for a few minutes..?" she asks, her voice wavering slightly. Carmen looks at her and again all she can see is that openness and vulnerabilty, she always craved to see.  
She swallows around the lump in her throat and nodds. She turns to Alecia and asks :" Can you just let the disc repeat if it ends?", Alecia hasitates but nods.  
Carmen smiles at her and then proceeds to walk out of the club, Shane following her, but infront of the club are so many people so they walk a bit further until they round a corner.

Carmen stopps and turns around and looks expectantly at Shane.  
" Ok so I wanted to apologize, for what I said a few days ago. It wasn't fair of me to ask for another chance, I don't deserve one and you deserve better friends than me. I'm really sorry and if you want we can just go back to ignoring each other or something like that." Shane says honestly, her voice only a whipser when she finishes.  
Carmen nodds and then looks angrily at Shane, who looks suprised at the anger in Carmen's eyes :" You are right you know, you had no right to tell me any of that.  
You had no right to even try to talk to me. YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TOGETHER IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A COWARD." she yells with tears in her eyes " YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN AND TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT - she starts punching Shanes chest - YOU HAD NO RIGHT - she is openly sobbing now - YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO ASK ME TO MARRY YOU AND THEN LEAVE ME AT THE ALTAR - Shane tries to stop her from hitting her but Carmen is very strong for such a small woman - YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU" she finishes yelling and steps a few inches back from Shane and then whispers brokenly " You had no right"

Shane, who at some point started crying herself, shakes her head guilt written all over her face :" I don't know what to say. There is nothing I can say that will change anything" she whispers, staring hard at the ground.

Carmen wipes away her tears and steps back into Shane's personal space and with a finger to her chest " I used to think of you as someone who didn't know better but had her heart at the right place... I was so wrong. Look at you. You are a coward, you can't even look at me." At that Shane looks up, her face inches from Carmen's and whispers :" You think any of this was easy for me?"  
Carmen laughs and says :" Of course! You took the easy way out. You ran away."  
" What was I supposed to do?" asks Shane slightly angry.  
" YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME AND MARRY ME ... But yeah how could you love anyone but yourself" Carmen finishes and walks past Shane but then Shane pulls her back by her wrist and pulls her flush against her.  
Their lips a breath apart and Shane whispers :" You can think of me what you want, BUT NEVER EVER say that I didn't love you. Because I did. I never loved anyone but you"

Carmen swallows hard, that confession hurts her heart, this closeness clouding her brain, she can't think of anything to say but it doesn't matter because Shane leans in and connects their lips. Both of their bodies shiver when their lips melt together in a slow and sensual kiss, Shane's hand tangles in Carmen's soft hair as Carmen pulls her impossibly closer to her pulling at her shirt. As their lips slide over each other and they feel nothing but each other, they are both aware of the electricity shocks coursing through their bodies.

When they pull away for much needed air, they stay close to each other and stare at each other's eyes, panting heavily. 


	7. Chapter 7

(Sorry for the wait, after finishing the last chapter I was soo sad that I will never see that happen on screen. Thanks for the reviews, please keep them coming.)

Swallowing hard, she tries to sort her thoughts and to calm her racing heart, which seems impossible because Shane is right there looking at her like that.

" Why did you do that?" whispers Carmen quietly, still not pulling away, leaning her forehead against Shane's cheek.

Shane is exhaling slowly, taking deep breaths, still not believing what just happened, her body still shaking from being so close to the love of her life.

" I couldn't stop myself " she whispers just as quietly, afraid of what will happen, when they regain their senses, afraid that nothing was going to change.

Carmen has yet to let go of Shane's shirt but she can't, she just wants this moment to go on a little longer, she just wants to hold on a bit longer.

" I missed you" the words leave Shane's lips before she can stop them, in a husky whisper. Carmen closes her eyes, willing the tears back, for so long she waited to hear that sentence from Shane.

" Shane " she breathes out for no reason at all, as she runs her nose along Shane's jaw who finds herself betrayed by a single tear that rolls down her cheek at hearing her name from her ex fiancé.

Thousands of thoughts run through Carmen's head as she breathes that smell that is uniquely Shane, she can't pull herself together and she knows her heart will never let go of this. Carmen pulls back and leans in, but when she's just a breath away from Shane's lips she stops herself, all she can think of at that moment is how she felt when she realized that Shane had bailed on her at their wedding day. She remembers feeling a tight hand grip around her heart and how it kept making its grip tighter and tighter until it broke it into pieces; it felt like a physical pain and it never stopped feeling like that.

'What am I doing' she thinks to herself as she connects her eyes with those of her tormentor.

Shane swallows hard because she saw the change in Carmen's eyes, from passion and desire, to hurt and hate in a matter of seconds. She closes her eyes and prepares for the words she knows will come.

" I wish I could hate you " Carmen says and waits till Shane pulls her gaze up to her " I wish I could wake up and not remember who you are, how I loved you or how you destroyed me." Shane nods, tears falling freely now.

" I don't want to see you ever again, but I know I will and I know this won't go away which is, in my opinion, really fucked up " Carmen laughs humorless. " I deserve better than you and you deserve to live knowing, that you destroyed both of our happiness."

As Carmen's tears finally fall too Shane holds her gaze, silently begging her for another chance or at least for one more minute of pretending. Carmen licks her lips and shakes her head, she walks past Shane but stops abruptly knowing that Shane hasn't turned around to watch her leave, she doesn't turn around either but says :" I missed you too, I wish I hadn't but ...I guess I couldn't stop

myself either."

Shane sighs, there's only one thought in her head ' Screw it ' she turns around and pulls Carmen back into her and then pushes her against the nearest wall and forcefully kisses her again, Carmen doesn't even try to push her off, she can't, she kisses her back just as forcefully and lets her hands roam. As their tongues touch for the first time in three years, they both moan and pull each other even closer.

Carmen turns them around and pushes Shane against the wall. Shane moans, she missed this, she missed forceful Carmen, trying to top her, she missed how perfect their kissing is, nobody ever kissed her like Carmen did.

They pull away for much needed air but only for a second and then Shane is kissing Carmen again and she can't think anymore, every thought in her head right now is ' Shane', she knows nothing else.

" Carmen " they hear Alecia's voice nearby, they pull apart but still lean against each other breathing heavily and when they look in the direction of the voice they see Alecia staring at them wide-eyed.

Carmen pushes herself of off Shane and tries to regain her senses." Uhm...the cd that's been repeating is almost ending. So I...I thought I should find you...maybe I was wrong"

"No ..no it's good that you found me .. I should go ..back there" she says and then looks uncertainly at Shane and starts walking towards the club but then stops and turns around

" Please go home...please...We will talk about this another time..but if you are in there ..-" Carmen trails of..

" Ok" answers Shane and nods her head. Carmen glances one last time at Shane and then walks away, Shane adverts her eyes, never wanting to see Carmen walk away.

Alecia watches her friend leave and then looks at Shane :" Are you ok?" she asks. Shane gives her a small smile and says :" All my life I never understood how…people could like me at all, or even fall for me and then…she comes along and loves me like ….like I'm actually worth it..and never stops…and I ruin it." She shakes her head and sighs painfully.

" You are such an idiot" states Alecia plainly, as Shane's eyes snap to hers she continues :" Don't you realize that yourself depriving hate is what made you lose Carmen? You walked away because you didn't want to hurt her ONE DAY. Did you know for a fact that you would have? You obviously did something write if she loves you that much… Honestly if you want this to be anything other than another mistake in the darkness, you are gonna have to get your shit together and get your fucking girl you moron."

She walks away after that and leaves Shane completely baffled, ' Her best friend is basically telling me that there still is a chance' , she shakes her head and leans against the wall.

Back in the club Carmen is back behind the Dj-pult and as Alecia walks up to her, she knows she is in trouble.

" Carmen?"

" Alecia?" Carmen imitates Alecia's voice.

" Don't do that!"

" Do what?"

" You need to break up with Rachel."

" Since when do you care about Rachel"

" I don't but I care about you and I know you don't like hurting people, if you keep this game up somebody is going to get hurt" she says and watches her friend finally look her in the eyes.

" I know ok? I know but I don't even know what I'm doing or what I want right now …so just let me think .." Carmen pleads with her roommate.

Alecia nods and decides to light up the mood " Is thinking easier with Shane's tongue down your throat?" Carmen laughs and punches her arm " Fuck off".

They see Helena walk towards them and smile at her :" Hey, where did Shane go?"

" ..uhm I don't know, she was right behind us" Carmen lies, not looking Helena in the eye.

" Oh ok, will you two join us later for a drink?"

" Yeah sure, we'll be there"

..

( At Shane's house)

Shane is laying in her bed, looking at nothing in particular replaying memory's in her head. That first conversation when they got together after the whole Jenny fiasco. They had sex and then Shane told her she loved her and then they talked for hours. Of course they didn't just talk but that was the first time Shane opened up to someone, told her everything and Carmen didn't leave, she didn't judge her, she just listened and kissed her.

She knew right in that moment that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with this woman, but she was scared, the closest she ever got to a relationship before that was that whole Cherie Jaffee affair, but she wasn't in love with her. It was more like an addiction that she couldn't stop.

Then Carmen happened and she didn't know how to handle it, she tried pushing her away but only hurt her and herself, so she stopped fighting it and it went well for 9 months and then Shane got jealous of some stupid guys and she did the most stupid thing ever. She cheated on her and yet Carmen forgave her.

Thinking back she doesn't understand why, she doesn't even understand why she said yes. She was so happy the day before their almost-wedding. She was looking forward to see Carmen in her dress and to kiss her after the minister pronounced them wife and wife and then..

Then she saw her father who pretended to be happy with his family life, walk away with some chick and ruin his family and all she could think was 'One day that could be me'. She didn't want to do that to Carmen but she was wrong, if 3 years later without any contact and just from seeing her, she is still so crazy in love with her, who is to say that she wouldn't have been happy for the rest of her life with that woman?.

She sighs, she is tired, she is tired of not knowing what to do, she is tired of not being happy, she is tired of how empty her life has become.

'I want to spend my life, trying to make her happy and to make up for what I did' is the only thought running through her mind right now.


	8. Chapter 8

( Hey again thanks for the reviews, keep them coming. Also sorry for the wait…I have no excuse haha)

..

2 weeks of successfully avoiding Shane, Carmen was still just as lost as she was before. She broke up with Rachel a week ago, telling her that they are not going anywhere and that Rachel deserves better, they hugged and Rachel asked her to stay friends. She is still not sure what she thinks of that. She is not sure what she thinks about anything right now, except that Shane won't get out of her head.

Sitting in the kitchen and drinking her coffee while staring off into space, she decided that it's time to face her demons.

" Hey A. can I borrow your car?" she hollers from the kitchen.

" Sure, just bring it back in one piece!" comes the answer from down the hall.

" Thanks" Carmen yells back and grabs the keys and makes her way down to the car before she has time to talk herself out of it.

Half an hour later she is in front of Shane's house. The house that used to be hers too, the house where she shared a bedroom with Shane. That place holds so many memory's and just standing in front of it makes Carmen emotional. She sees Shane's car in front of the house so she knows that she is home.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to gather up as much courage and strength as she can. She licks her lips and looks into the mirror and nods her head to herself.

Carmen exists the car and locks it behind her and makes her way towards the front door. With one last deep breath she knocks twice.

When the door swings open, it's obvious that Shane wasn't expecting Carmen to stop by at all.

" He- Hey" she stutters as she looks back into the house. Carmen's face falls when she realizes that Shane probably has a girl back there.

" I'm sorry, this was a stupid idea ..I don't know what I was thinking." she says as she shakes her head and turns around again.

" No no wait please. Don't go. It's not what you think." explains Shane. As they connect their eyes for the first time, Carmen sees only honesty in them, so she nods with her lips pursed, waiting for an explanation.

" I was watching something, I wasn't sure how you'd react." She says still holding Carmen's gaze, whose eyes show confusion.

" Are you watching porn or something?" she asks while walking past Shane into her living room. When she sees the TV screen her eyes widen in realization, she was watching the tape that Mark had filmed with his hidden cameras. The one where Carmen confronted Shane about her feelings.

"Why are you watching this?" she whispers, while staring at the screen.

" I found it a few days ago and .. I don't know I guess watching that wishing I could turn back time won't change anything but I still watched it.." Shane explains from behind Carmen.

Carmen scratches her head and sighs :" We need to talk." Shane nods with fearful eyes and points to the couch and they both take a seat Shane on the one couch, Carmen on the other directly opposite of the other.

They connect their eyes again and the air is already on fire. Shane takes a deep breath, trying to swallow her emotions and says :" Do you wanna start or..?"

" I think I talked enough last time, it's time for you to say something. Tell me what you want." Carmen answers her voice cracking at the end.

Shane swallows around the lump in her throat and says :" How about we go from the beginning?" she waits for Carmen's nod and then continues :" I wanted to marry you, I was so happy the day before our wedding. I …I couldn't wait to be married to you..and then..then I saw him just walk of and something he..he said to me really got under my skin and I …I just –"

" What did he say?" Carmen asks interrupting Shane.

" That that's just who he is and that he knows I'm the same…and I was so scared of that being true and ..I thought if I marry you and break your heart in 10 years from now you wouldn't have anything left just like…just like his wife ..or ex-wife whatever. I didn't wanna do that to you but …ever since ..ever since there is this big fucking WHAT IF in my head you know?..." she takes a breath, trying to clear her head.

" What happened after you saw him there?" Carmen asks, tears already in her eyes.

" I texted Alice that I'm not coming and what she should tell you, because …if I said it out loud, it would be real ..and I would have known that I just gave up the best thing that's ever happened to me." Shane admits a tear rolling down her cheek.

" And then?" Carmen asks.

" Then I got on the next buss and drove around for half the night, and then I realized that one of the stations is near .. Cherie Jaffe's house so I got off and ..-"

" Did you fuck her?" she asks bluntly.

" Would you believe me if I say that I didn't?" Shane asks in return.

" I would." Carmen says honestly.

" I didn't. She wanted to but I was so distraught and drugged …I didn't want to. I didn't want her." she answers honestly.

Carmen rubs her face with her hands and sighs loudly, she gets up and walks over to the couch where Shane is sitting and sits down right next to her.

" Keep talking." She requests.

Shane looks her in the eyes and smiles a bit before continuing :" After 3 days, I had so much cocaine in my system that I don't even remember most of it but I stole her car keys and went to your mother's place but your cousin's wouldn't let me in and told me how happy they are that you didn't marry me. On my way back I had a car accident and I fled the scene ..because it wasn't my car..Everything hurt and ..that's when I decided to go home…which honestly didn't feel like a home ..without you."

Carmen smiles a bit at that and Shane takes her hand and continues :" So I get home and Carla is on my porch, telling me I ruined her life and then …she leaves and I realize that she left Shay on the porch."  
"She what?"

" She left Shay sleeping on the porch, she didn't want him after what Gabriel did. So I took him in ..and it went well for a while..I had to do some stupid modeling job to pay for his school and for when he broke his arm..but it was going well and ..I enjoyed having him around ..but then Gabriel came and took him away and I was a mess once again and ….I don't know." Shane trails of not knowing what else to say.

Carmen swallows hard, prepared for the answer of her next question to hurt. " Was there…anyone special..that you dated ..after us?"

Shane looks down at their hands and says :" Honestly? I dated this woman who had a son of shay's age ..that's how we met and ..it went well, except that I didn't have feelings for her and then it blew up in my face…She caught me cheating and then set " Waxx" on fire."

Carmen gasps and Shane explains :" It was empty, nobody was hurt but still.. and then there was Molly ..I thought I was in love with her, I tried to be ..and for a while I convinced myself that I was ..but there was always something missing."

Carmen nods and just as she is about to say something, Shane interrupts her " Also I should tell you that ..before …Jenny died..we were together."

Carmen pulls her disbelieving eyes up to Shane's :" We ..You and JENNY? .. that's …that's fucked up ." she stands up and shakes her head and lets out a humorless laugh. " Are you serious? Jenny?"

" She was in a difficult place and I was afraid to lose her..so .."

" So you fucked her? GOD SHANE."

" I know I know." She watches Carmen pace around a bit and then asks :" Can you please sit down again?".

Carmen glares at her but complies and then Shane asks :" What about you..anyone special?"

" I tried…a year after we…after you left, but it worked out for about 3 months and then it went to hell. So no, no one special."

Shane nods and whispers :" What are we doing? Where is this going Carmen?"

Carmen laughs and runs a hand through her hair :" Fuck me if I know."

Shane sighs and asks :" Do you remember that time we went to your cousin's Quincinera…Everything was so simple. Everything was…..I had you. Everything was good."

Carmen closes her eyes as tears betray her and when she opens them, she moves closer and kisses Shane shortly on the lips, just a peck.

She pulls back and leans her forehead against Shane's and whispers :" I never stopped loving you, even when I hated you and that scares me. I'm so scared."

Shane nods against her forehead and says :" Me too, but ..but …I can't give up on this..on us. There was a reason we saw each other again Carmen. I know you feel it too."

Carmen exhales slowly and then says :" Can we just stop talking for a while ..can we just .. just –" she trails of as she lays down on the couch and pulls Shane with her so that she is spooning her. " Just for a bit " she whispers.

" I wish it could be forever." Shane whispers back and kisses the back of Carmen's head.

..

Half an hour later Max enters the house with his daughter and sees them on the couch :" Who is that daddy" asks his daughter in a hushed whisper.

Max smiles and says :" That is Shane's princess and she is finally home."


	9. Chapter 9

( Sorry for the wait, thanks for the reviews, keep them coming. You guys are amazing.)

..

..

When Shane woke up, it was because there was sunshine streaming right at her and an arm on her nose. She moves the arm down to her neck and sees who the arm belongs to and even before she remembers last night's conversation, she smiles, because Carmen is right there, with a content smile on her face and because she realizes she hasn't slept this good since…. Since a very long time.

She traces a finger on Carmen's face, from her cheeks to her nose and down to her lips, she missed pecking those lips into consciousness , she missed Carmen being the first thing she sees in the morning. She missed that lazy smile Carmen would get right before saying :" Morning Baby." She simply missed being happy and if she is completely honest with herself Carmen was the only person who ever made her happy, that kind of happy that people envy and dream of. She had it and she let it slip through her fingers but not this time. She will do anything she can to keep her.

Shane is not stupid, she knows it's crazy to hope that when Carmen wakes up she will say what she used to say in the mornings but she hopes at least for that lazy smile. So she kisses her cheek softly, lingering there for a moment and then her jaw sweetly and the she rubs her nose along her jaw.

Carmen stirred slightly in her sleep but didn't wake up, so Shane did the only other thing that she wanted to do, she kissed her lips, a sweet, lasting peck. She held it for a few moments, before pulling back and seeing a lazy smile on Carmen's face but her eyes still closed.

"I missed the way you smile in the morning." whispers Shane against her cheek.

Carmen smiles and says with a sleepy voice :" I missed waking up like this."

"I missed the way you smell." She replies softly.

Carmen connects their gazes and tries to say something but she doesn't know what.

Shane smiles and nuzzles Carmen's nose :" If you give us another chance I can promise you we will always wake up like this, even when you are angry at me because you had a bad dream or even when you throw pizza at me, I will wake you up like this. If you give me another chance I promise to never run away again."

Carmen closes her eyes when that confession started because the honesty, love and vulnerability she saw took her breath away.

"Shane …" she breathes.

" I'm all yours, if you still want me. I'm flawed, I make mistakes and I'm not a good person and I know we tried and …it's not that I can't live without you, it's just that I really don't want to…I tried, I tried so hard and it's not the life I want Carmen." Shane whispers brokenly and ducks her head unable to hold Carmen's intense gaze longer.

Carmen swallows around the lump in her throat as a tear betrays her she closes her eyes and feels Shane wipe away that tear with her thumb. Unable to say anything she replays Shane's words in her head.

" Please…Please" begs Shane kissing the corner of Carmen's mouth.

She opens her eyes and locks them on Shane's and says :" I never stopped wanting you" and slowly leans in to catch Shane's lips in a slow kiss. Pulling her lips over Shane's she realizes that she knows what she wants, at least for now. She knows she will never stop loving Shane so she might as well give them both what they want.

When they break apart, Carmen smiles at Shane and gets up, Shane thinks that she is leaving, that she changed her mind but then she offers Shane her hand, offering a little bit of everything they were both hoping for.

She follows Carmen to the bedroom, her mind and heart are racing, her hands are shaking, she can barely breathe, fire is running through her veins and when they stop right next to the bed. Carmen looks up at her with lust filled eyes and goes in for a soft peck.

Shane pulls away and asks :" Are you sure?"

Carmen leans her forehead against Shane's shoulder and says :" No more running away, from feelings, from guilt or because you are scared. No more running away. Ever."

Shane nods franticly :" Never again, I promise."

Carmen looks up at her, trying to find a trace of lying in her eyes but there is none, just love and hope and it makes her shiver.

Shane closes her eyes for a second, trying to slow down her heart and then she slowly leans in and kisses Carmen, a slow sensual kiss that they feel in their toes. When Carmen puts her arms around Shane's neck and deepens the kiss.

Shane's arms are on Carmen's waist pulling her closer, needing her that much closer. They don't stop kissing for 5 minutes, just enjoying the simplicity of being with each other like that, they are not rushing, they need this to go slow, they need to relearn each other and kissing Carmen was always one of Shane's favorite things to do, she wants to do it for the rest of her life.

When Carmen moans into the kiss, Shane smiles and pulls away only to kiss her jaw and then her neck softly. " Shane" Carmen moans and Shane bites softly her pulse point as Carmen's hands go to the hem of Shane's shirt. Shane pulls back and lets Carmen take off her shirt.

Carmen smiles at the sight of Shane's bare chest and dives in for another kiss. The kiss is passionate and heated and needy and it takes Shane a second to realize that Carmen's hand are massaging her breasts. She pushes Carmen on to the bed and lays down on top of her between her legs, Carmen's hands go back to Shane's chest but she takes them and pins them over her head and Carmen laughs.

" Some things never change." Carmen says and pushes a little forward to connect their lips again and just as Shane relaxes into the kiss, Carmen pushes off and turns them around so that she is on top.

Shane laughs at that and looks at Carmen adoringly :" I guess they don't.". As they stare into each other's eyes and feel the electricity shoot through their body's, they forget everything around them. Carmen ducks down and kisses Shane slowly, they let go of each other's hand, Shane puts hers on Carmen's lower back while Carmen's go to Shane's cheek and hold her in place while they kiss slowly and lovingly.

When their tongues meet they both moan, you should think that after being that long separated they wouldn't be able to take it slow but it's the exact opposite, they are relearning how to kiss each other, how to hold each other, how to love each other.

When they break apart, they are breath away from each other's lips, Carmen smiles and says : " I love you." Shane smiles this huge rare smile and says :" I love you too." And then they are kissing again, but they are both getting slowly impatient so when Shane's hands move from her lower back to her ass, Carmen sits up and takes of her own shirt and not even a second later Shane is sitting up and undoing Carmen's bra.

Carmen smiles at her and ghosts her lips over Shane's ear right before softy biting her earlobe, Shane moans and holds on to Carmen as she turns them around again, so that she is back on top.

She kisses her jaw and then softy bites and sucks her neck and her collarbone, she kisses down the alley between her breasts as Carmen repeats her name over and over again. She kisses her right breast softly as she softly kneads the other with her hand. As she takes one nipple in her mouth and sucks on it she pinches the other with her thumb and forefinger.

"Oh fuck, baby." Carmen moans as she arches of the bed, needing more. Shane kisses back up till she is able to kiss her again as her hands undo Carmen's pants, who already lost her patience and is reaching into Shane's sweatpants right there where Shane needs her.

" Oh shit." Moans Shane as Carmen's fingers make the first contact with her wetness.

" Oh my god." Carmen moans when she feels how wet Shane is for her and then they are kissing again just as Shane's hand slips into Carmen's pants to find that she is soaked " Fuck, Carmen." She moans and starts rubbing her clit softly and cries out in pleasure when Carmen does the same.

Shane is kissing Carmen's neck as they are both working each other up, Shane drops her fingers a little lower and finally enters her softly. " Shane." Carmen cries out in pleasure and enters her too.

Shane leans her forehead against Carmen's as they both slowly work their fingers inside of each other, their eyes connect and Shane smiles and says breathing heavily :" No more running away."

Carmen nods as she feels the twist in her stomach and repeats :" No more running away." They kiss one more time and breathe into each other's mouth, feeling that they are both close.

" Oh god, Shane."

" Carmen." Breathes Shane.

" I'm so close baby, so fucking close." Moans Carmen and digs her nails from her unoccupied hand into Shane's back.

"Oh fuck." Shane replies and then with a particularly hard thrust that made Carmen's palm slap against her clit, she is falling apart, breathing heavily and moaning Carmen's name.

When she comes down from her high a bit she curls her fingers in that familiar spot inside of Carmen who screams as she falls over the edge herself.

They need a few moments to calm down as Shane's head is buried in Carmen's hair and then she lays down next to her.

Carmen sits up and stares at Shane's naked chest and smiles devilishly as she says "I'm glad some things don't change." She takes of her own pants and panties and then her lovers, as she laughs and then she kisses her again.

"And now my turn." Carmen says as she kisses down Shane's body slowly, who smiles and shakes her head.


	10. Chapter 10

( Hey thank YOU for reading this story, and the reviews mean a lot to me, I'm sorry it takes so long to update, but I just want it to be good, you know..)

..

They were spent and exhausted in the best possible way but they didn't want to sleep yet. They both just lied there, Shane on the left side of the bed and Carmen on the right, Carmen's right hand and Shane's left hand intertwined as they stared in each other's eyes, neither saying a word, just feeling the importance of the moment, just enjoying being able to be with each other again. They both didn't know how long they've been lying like this, it could be a few minutes, it could be a few hours, neither cared to find out.

At the same time it seemed as if they were both afraid to fall asleep and wake up without each other, having had that dream often enough to know how cruel it was, it would break them over and over again.

While they stared into each other's eyes, they both had a small smile gracing their features and both felt like the other is staring into her soul. Shane brought the hand she was holding up to her lips and kissed it softly and asks :" This is not a dream right? You will still be here when I wake up right?"

Carmen chuckled sweetly and scooted closer to Shane so that their noses were touching and asks in return :" Does it feel like a dream for you?"

" Of course it does, this is everything I ever wanted, it's too good to be true." Shane answers honestly and Carmen's breath catches with that confession, she closes her eyes and lets the words sink in, saving them in her memory forever.

Shane studies her expression and then leans in and kisses her lips in a soft peck and explains :" After I left, I used to have nightmares about you….driving me over with a car and screaming how I ruined your life…. The dreams would always end up with us being back in that moment when I asked you to marry me and every single time you would say No instead of yes but then you would kiss me and….and it felt so real…" She trails of as a tear rolls down from the corner of her eye, Carmen wipes it away with the pad of her thumb and says jokingly :" The driving you over with a car part sounds like fun."

Shane laughs and presses her face into the pillow as Carmen whispers in her ear, with every word her lips touching the shell :" It doesn't matter how many times I thought back to that day my answer was always Yes. – she kisses her cheek softly – but this isn't a dream Shane, I'm here and I'm yours…and you better not screw it up or I will drive over you." She smiles devilishly when Shane looks up and smiles back at her.

"Why do you love me? I really…I don't get it." Shane admits in a small voice, if Carmen wasn't pressed up against her, she wouldn't have heard it.

" I don't know…that first time…when I looked into your eyes, it's like …it's like something was just telling me I had to get to know you. …I love how you care about people, you are a wonderful friend, you have such a big heart, I love the way you dress, I love how gay you are – she chuckles when Shane rolls her eyes – I love your chuckle and your honest smile, I love that you are a secret cuddler,  
I love that you are who you are no matter what everyone else says, I love the way you dance, I love the way you look at me, I love that you don't even know how amazing you are. Everyone has flaws Shane, but they don't define you. I love you because I can't help it."

Shane's face has the darkest shade of red when she finishes and doesn't know what to say so she just kisses Carmen softly. When they pull away Carmen licks her lips and lays back down and they are looking into each other's eyes again and then Shane leans in and they are kissing again, softly and slowly, reassuringly. Carmen feels her spine tingle with the sweetness of their kisses and how Shane is holding on to her cheek as if she is afraid she is going to vanish any second, she puts her hand on top of Shane's on her cheek and opens her mouth wider, shivering harder, wanting more.

They pull apart and pant into each other's mouth, Shane wants to kiss her again but Carmen turns her head and when she looks at her questioningly, Carmen pulls Shane down to lay on her chest. Shane is confused because they have never done that, Shane was always the one to hold Carmen, but as she listens to her heartbeat she feels her own slow down, so she doesn't question it. She lays down between her legs, so that her upper body is laying on top of Carmen's and her ear is resting right where her heart is.

Carmen runs her fingers through Shane's hair while her other is softly stroking her back. Shane pulls her head up only to kiss the spot where Carmen's heart is and lays back down, who smiles at that and kisses Shane's head softly.

A few minutes later, both of their breathing has slowed down and they are drifting off to sleep with content smiles on their faces.

..

..

When they wake up again a few hours later, it's because a phone is ringing and Carmen groans, because it's hers and she really doesn't want to get up. Shane opens her eyes slightly confused and looks around for Carmen's pants, she spots them on the floor by the door and gets up to get it.

She hands her the phone and plops back down on the bed when she hears :" Thanks Baby." she smiles to herself.

" Hey, A." – " Oh shit..I'm so sorry I forgot that I have your car… No I'm gonna be there right away. I'm so sorry….- Carmen chuckles – Yes, you are assuming right. …Fuck off." She hangs up the phone and throws it on the nightstand next to the bed and curls into the covers laying on her side. When she feels Shane press into her back and kiss her neck softly.

"You don't have to leave now right.?" She husks in her ear as her hand runs up and down Carmen's side. " I probably should." She answers as she tips her head back offering Shane more space for her kisses.

" I don't think you really want to leave." Shane states as her other hand crawls between the bed and Carmen's body and cups her breast softly.

Carmen moans and says :" I really don't want to, but she will be late for –" she gasps as Shane's hand stars rubbing the inside of her thigh, so close to where she wants it.

" I'm going to make it fast, I promise." Shane whispers and licks the shell of her ear, just as she starts running her fingers through her folds.

"Fuck" moans Carmen and spreads her legs wider, which makes Shane smile and says :" That's my girl." They both shiver at those words, because they both know it's true and Shane starts making tight circles around her clit making Carmen writhe and moan in pleasure.

" Faster baby, please" begs Carmen breathlessly, Shane ignores that but lets her fingers drop lower to her opening and enters her with two fingers as her other hand pinches her nipple, just the way she likes it.

"Oh God yes" moans Carmen and bites her lip to keep all the noise that wants to come out at bay. Shane fingers are going at a restless pace, her palm hitting her clit deliciously and Carmen is falling apart " Oh my FUCKING … Shane." She comes hard repeating Shane's voice in a hushed whisper over and over again but Shane is not stopping.

" Shane baby… I have to …Oh fucking shit." She says as Shane just keeps going in the same pace, her second orgasm approaching even faster. " Fuck fuck fuck fuck." She screams as Shane curls her fingers and she hears her chuckle behind her.

" Come for me baby" and as soon those words leave Shane's lips, she feels Carmen's walls almost crush her fingers and Carmen's voice saying a lot of incoherent words. She slows her fingers down and lets her ride out her orgasm and kisses her back softly. When Carmen calms down, Shane pulls out but starts rubbing her folds again, Carmen stops her wrist with her hand.

" Baby we could be here forever but I really have to run." Carmen pleads and Shane slumps against her back and she hears her whisper softly :" But I just got you back." Carmen turns around and puts a hand on Shane's cheek and kisses her softly.

" I'm going to bring her car back and you better follow me to my apartment, because I'm not ready for this night to be over yet. Ok?" Carmen explains as she leans her forehead against Shane's and sees her beaming smile.

"Then let's get dressed."


	11. Chapter 11

( Hey, sorry it took so long, but I needed a little push for inspiration, so here it is, thanks for your reviews. Tell me what you think of this.)

It was four days later, they think, they weren't sure. After getting to Carmen's apartment and giving an amused Alecia the keys to her car, they went back to bed and only got out to drink something and order food.

They stayed up all night, exploring each other's body like it's the first time and kissed like it's the last time. When their body's got to exhausted they talked about everything, everything that ever happened between them, they promised each other no miscommunications anymore, they promised to be brave for each other. Eventually falling asleep in each other's arms, content and happy, only to wake up and repeat the whole process.

Carmen felt lighter than she had in a very long time and happier, she knows they won't forever stay in her room and live in their little bubble but she wants to hold on to it as long as possible but they were running out of time, Carmen had to work tomorrow.

" So…" she approached slowly as they lie against the headboard of the bed and ate pizza, shoulder against shoulder :" Tomorrow I'm spinning in "Hit"…"

Shane nodded knowingly but didn't say anything.

" Soo… Is there anything you are worried about?" Carmen asked gently.

Shane looked at her confused, hurrying to swallow the pizza in her mouth :" What do you mean?" Carmen pursed her lips as she studied Shane's expression, she seemed genuinely confused so she elaborated :" Do you want to tell them right away or ..I don't know..Keep this a secret?"

Shane's heart sank into her stomach, _she wants to keep us a secret_, she thought and her heart broke with that idea but they promised honesty so she gave her honesty :" I don't want that."

Carmen sighed in relief and put her plate on the nightstand, when she turned back to Shane she asked her softly :" So what do you want."

Shane put her plate away too and connected her eyes with Carmen's and said simply :" Us. Just us. You and me…whatever happens happens."

Carmen's heart fluttered and as much as she tried to suppress her smile she couldn't, so she beamed at Shane and leaned in for a soft peck. When she pulled back :" Good. Ok, so what do we tell them?"

Shane shrugged :" I don't really care, I mean in the end they are gonna have to deal with it anyway." She shrugged again and Carmen nodded.

" So we will just be there and be us and wait for their comments" concluded Carmen, Shane nodded shortly but grinned :" I am pretty sure they probably realized that I'm ignoring their calls and text because I'm with you."

Carmen smirked and leaned in until she was speaking against Shane's ear and lowly whispered :" You have to know your priorities." She bites her earlobe softly and hears Shane groan quietly and then she is pushed back against the bed with Shane above her, smiling happily down at her :" You are insatiable."

Carmen giggles and pulls her closer by the shirt she is wearing (shirt and panties, because you can't pay for a pizza naked) :" Like you could ever get enough of me." Shane's expression sobers and she leans down until she is speaking against her lips and says :" Never" and connects their lips.

..

( At Alice and Tasha's house)

" I like the yellow flowers for the tables" says Tasha and sips her beer.

" I mean what kind of friend would just ignore the texts and calls of her friends? Right that's just fucked up." Alice says loudly with a disbelieving expression on her face.

" The red ones are nice too, they fit the bridesmaids dresses."

" Fuck that twatt, when she shows up she can kiss my fucking ass."

" I don't think that it's really important if the colors fit right?"

They've been having two different conversations for the last 10 minutes, Alice was furious with Shane, while Tasha just wanted to leave some of the decisions behind her.

Alice was looking at Tasha like she was crazy :" Of course the colors have to fit. Do you think she is somewhere fucking someone so she doesn't have to face her Carmen issues?.

"Alice it's really none of your business."

"Oh fuck that."

"Al!"

" I'm just worried."

" You just like gossip and your curious ass needs to calm down."

" No… ok yes that too, but Shane is my fucking friend and I just want to know that she is not somewhere drugging her stupid brain and driving of a fucking cliff."

Tasha looked at Alice seriously until the latter one caved :" Fine, fine I'll let it go. I know she would never do that."

Ten minutes later Alice decided to text her one more time :' You better be between a certain Latinas legs otherwise I will fucking kick you when I see you again."

..

(back at Carmen's place)

"Oh fuck oh God oh Fuck" repeated Carmen loudly while tightening the hold on Shane's hair who was currently working her up with fingers and mouth.

" OH MY FUCKING GOD." Carmen screamed loudly, her face mirroring the pleasure she felt and with one final push she fell over the edge. She clenched her eyes closed and let out a loud primal moan and shuddered.

Shane crawled up Carmen's body until she was above her again and they could look into each other's eyes.

" I love you." Shane whispers before kissing Carmen softly.

" FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS NORMAL PLEASE LET THAT BE THE LAST ROUND." They heard from the room on the other side of the wall and they both break out in laughter.

( The next evening)

Carmen was already spinning in the club, when the friends arrived, Shane was nowhere to be seen, but she did go home to change and to let Carmen get ready, they were having issues to stop touching, but somehow managed it. Only for Shane to come back in pretense of having forgotten something just to get another goodbye kiss.

She greeted their friends and waited for questions that never came. They probably came to the conclusion that Shane must have run of with someone else otherwise she'd be in the club right now. Carmen only smirks and asks them about how their week went, while they are all next to the dj-table.

She feels her phone vibrate and smiles when she sees it's Shane letting her know that she will be there in a minute. Carmen continues the conversation with their friends while changing the disc and notices Shane walking in, so she puts up a poker face and then laughs at something Alice says.

Shane sees them all around Carmen and smirks, she walks straight up to them and hears Alice say :" Oh thank fucking fuck, it's alive" but avoids all of them and gets around the table and plants a sweet short peck on her girlfriends waiting lips.

They turn around and find that all of their friends jaw hit the floor, except Tasha who is wearing a small smile.

" How are you guys?" asks Shane casually, Carmen laughs and head-butts her shoulder.

Helena recovers first :" I need a drink." Shane laughs and puts an arm around Carmen's shoulder who looks up at her adoringly, Shane kisses her head and then hears in the background again :" Well thank fucking God."

..

Half an hour later, Shane was lounging with the group on the couches but her eyes never left Carmen, it's like she couldn't physically force herself to look away.

" Well tell us baby girl, how did this happen?" asks Kitt, staring at Shane expectantly. Shane turns her head and meets her eyes for a moment and gives her a smile before turning back, catching Carmen staring right back at her.

" She came to my house and wanted to talk …and we did. We talked about everything..and then we decided to try again." Shane explains while still her eyes are still locked on Carmen's.

" Well fucking congratulation, if you could stop eyefucking and tell us the details!" demands Alice in a loud voice.

Shane laughs and turns to her friend :" Will it make you happy to know that when you texted me, I was doing exactly what you wrote." Alice beams at her and she laughs again before turning back to watching her girl. Her girl. She still couldn't believe it.

" Well girl that's great, but no humping other girls now or leaving people at the altar, you know what I'm saying." Kit tells her honestly and before Shane has a chance to respond Alice says :" I'm not worried" and sips on her beer. Shane beams at her and realizes that she hasn't been this happy in …forever.

"So how are the wedding preparations going?" Shane asks and then turns around when she hears everyone groan.

"Please don't fucking mention it. I'm seriously considering eloping." Alice answers seriously but then caves when Tasha glares at her. " Ok, then not eloping."

Shane laughs and sees that it's time for Carmen's break and has the biggest smile on her face.

" Ok who is that and what did she do with Shane?" asks Alice.

" She's been abducted by an sexy Alien." Helena says jokingly.

" Maybe we all smoked some weed and this is a very nice trip" suggests Kitt.

..


	12. Chapter 12

( I'm really sorry it took me so long to update but this chapter is longer so maybe you can forgive me? Let me know what you think.)

..

Carmen woke up on Saturday morning because the sun was blinding her and because she couldn't feel the person she fell asleep with next to her.

She opens her eyes and looks around to see Shane crouched down next to the bed with a camera pressed to her face taking pictures of Carmen.

"Oh my god. What are you doing?" Carmen asks disbelievingly as she face plants back into her pillow. She hears Shane chuckle and say :" Taking pictures."

Carmen's laugh is muffled by the pillow and then she scoffs :" No shit really?"

Shane grins and puts away the camera and lays down dead weight on top of Carmen, who shakes with laughter and a muffled :" Uff." Shane bites her neck playfully and tickles her sides softly, enjoy the melodic laughter it causes.

When she stops Carmen is breathless and asks while trying to look at Shane over her shoulder :" Who is this playful goof and where is the moody – always holding back – Shane that I know?."

Shane gets off of Carmen and lays down next to her, so that their faces are inches apart and says :" I don't know….It's like.. it's – she shakes her head and chuckles – it's like you took her away, like you replaced her ….with this happy and content person.."

Carmen stares deeply into Shane's honest eyes and asks in a low whisper :" How's that feel?" Shane closes her eyes and takes a breath and whispers just as quietly :" Amazing …but also terrifying."

Carmen waits till Shane opens her eyes again and tilts her head so she can meet her eyes and then leans in a plants a soft peck on her lips and whispers against them :" I know I feel the same – kisses her again – but maybe with time we can replace that too." She kisses her again softly but lets the kiss linger.

When they pull back Carmen grins and says :" I'm gonna go make breakfast now." As she gets up, she feels a hand around her waist right before she is pulled back onto the bed and Shane pins her arms above her head.

"I prefer the breakfast of champions" she says and starts kissing her neck slowly. Carmen moans and doesn't even try to fight her, because honestly who would?

As Shane sucks on her pulse point, Carmen's phone starts to ring and normally she would ignore it, but she knows that ringtone, it's her mother.

" Shane, baby I have to get that." She says as she pushes her off and goes to retreat her phone. She hears Shane groan and then a pillow is thrown at her naked butt, she turns around and says :" Please baby, be quiet for a few moments please." Shane is confused about her pleading tone and her fearful look so she nods.

She answers the phone with a soft :"Hey Mom. What's up?" and realization drowns on Shane, Carmen hasn't told anyone that they made up. She tries not to look too hurt or disappointed but can't hide it quiet well, so she gets up and puts on boxers and a tank top and moves to the kitchen.

Carmen watches her go with sad fearful eyes :" No, of course I'll come to dinner. Yes, see you tonight. Bye."

She hangs up and closes her eyes to take a deep breath and then puts on panties and a shirt from Shane. As she walks out to the kitchen she sees her sitting at the table and staring at her sandwich obviously lost in her thoughts. Carmen swallows hard and sits down next to her and touches her arm softly, Shane pulls her eyes to that gesture and says :" You don't have to explain, I understand."

Carmen studies her expression for a moment before she puts her head on her shoulder and says :" I'm sorry…I'm sorry I'm hiding us once again….I just…I know how they will react."

Shane waves her off and says :" It's different this time and I get it….I was just surprised." Carmen looks up at her and whispers :" Then why do you look so sad?"

Shane sighs and says :" It's gonna be hard work to make them like me again….if you ever tell them that is." Carmen feels the guilt settle in her stomach at Shane's words but nods :" I'm really sorry .. Can we just ..eat breakfast and enjoy the morning?"

Shane nods shortly and then takes a bite from the sandwich. Carmen watches her for another second and then guides Shane's hand with the sandwich to her own mouth and takes a bite of it. Shane half smiles and says :" Go get your own sandwich." Carmen kisses her cheek and gets up to make them some real breakfast.

..

(Later that afternoon)

Shane and Carmen are hugging in the doorway and Shane whines :" Do you really have to go already." Carmen laughs at her pout and kisses her softly but Shane doesn't let her pull away and just deepens the kiss, as their lips pull and their tongues touch, Carmen feels her resolve slip away and puts her arms around Shane's neck, whose hands are on her lower back pulling her closer, but then Carmen remembers where she is going and pulls away reluctantly.

"Mhm baby I have to go." She says with her last remaining strength.

" But you don't want to" says Shane as she nibbles on her neck. Carmen moans and struggles to push her away and answers :" No I don't but I have to…mhm.. But I'll be back as soon as I can tonight."

Shane gives up and pulls back :" Fine. Go." Carmen smiles at her and with one last sweet peck walks to her car.

As Shane walks back into the car she can't help but feel hurt and scared, scared that Carmen isn't telling her family that they are back together because she isn't sure about it or because she is trying to get back at her. She knows it's stupid to think like that but she can't shake the feeling of.

She lays down on the couch and looks up at the ceiling and wonders what she would do if all this was for nothing, her heart hurts only thinking about it.

..

(Later that evening)

Carmen and her mother are washing the dishes after the big family dinner.

"So how is work going, mi hija?"

"Oh same old same old." Carmen answers distracted, her thoughts have been with Shane the whole evening, hoping she isn't laying on bed and convincing herself that Carmen isn't serious about them.

" Any new clubs you are spending in?"

Carmen laughs loudly and says :" Spinning mommy, spinning. Yeah …uhm I'm spinning in " HIT"."

" Is that another lesbian club?"

" Yes mom."

" That's good, maybe you'll meet someone."

Carmen pulls her eyes to her mothers and sees her serious look :" Mom, I .."

" I know that you are unhappy, I can see it and I just want you to find someone who will make you happy again. I miss my happy Carmen." Mercedes says honestly, turning the water off and taking her daughters hand in hers.

Carmen swallows hard and whispers :" What if I told you that someone is making me happy again?" Her mother narrows her eyes at her and asks :" Why would you keep that a secret. Secrets are never good mi hija."

Carmen takes a deep breath :" What if I knew you wouldn't approve and … - laughs humorlessly – and call me crazy."

Her mother touches a hand to Carmen's face and says :" You can tell me anything." Carmen closes her eyes briefly and then confesses :" I am seeing Shane again."

Mercedes laughs and then sobers again when she sees Carmen is serious, she drops her hands and starts shaking her head and cursing in Spanish.

" Mom…Mom please." Carmen pleads but her mother is not hearing her, cursing Shane and the day Carmen met Shane. A tear rolls down her cheek when she realizes that telling her mother was a mistake.

"Estás loca?" she asks loudly. One of Carmen's cousins walk in and ask :" Everything ok in here?."

Carmen glares at him and says :" Yes, fine. Get out." He puts his hands up in the air and leaves the kitchen. She turns to her mother and cringes at the angry and disappointed look in her eyes and says quietly :" She changed…she explained herself.. She…todavia la amo mommy ..and you said you want me to be happy…"

" She made you unhappy! Have you forgotten how you fell apart when she left you Carmen!"

"NO mother I haven't. It was ME who fell apart, I know best what it felt like, but we could have been happy then and we can be now. Please mommy, don't throw me out again."

Mercedes calms down at that and looks disbelievingly at her daughter and says :" I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice Carmen, I will never do that to you again but you should know that it's gonna take a lot for her to get on my good side again. We were ready to accept her as a part of our family and she threw that away."

Carmen takes a calming breath trying to hold her tears back after her mother's words and then says :" Thank you." Her mother looks at her for a moment, she hugs her tight and then says :" And now you go apologize for snapping at your cousin."

"No." Carmen answers and shakes her head :" Did you know that she came back..a few days after the wedding …and they didn't let her in and threw her to the ground." Mercedes eyebrows shoot up into her hairline and, one thing Carmen loves about her mother is that she doesn't like violence, Carmen sees the fire in her eyes.

She watches her walk into the living room and hears her start screaming at her older cousins and she smiles to herself. She knows now everything is going to work out just fine.

..

( a little later that night)

Carmen and her two cousins are standing in front of Shane's door and Carmen is struggling to not break out in laughter. She knocks at the door and a few seconds later Max opens the door, he looks between the guys and Carmen and then just calls out :" Shane." With one last glance at the guys she leaves the doorway and Carmen giggles because it's really hard not to.

Shane walks looking like she was sleeping and Carmen can't help but beam at her because she looks adorable. Shane's eyes widen comically when she sees Carmen's cousins and Carmen is pretty sure she was thinking about just closing the door and running for her life. She laughs and leans in and kisses Shane's cheek and feels her instantly relax.

"Shane, my mother sent these two buttheads to apologize for being rude and violent towards you." Carmen says, barely holding her laughter back.

Her cousins roll their eyes but nonetheless speak up :" Shane, we are sorry for throwing you out and not letting you talk to Carmen."

For the second time that day realization dawns on Shane and her eyes light up as she looks at Carmen who beams back just as brightly.

" That's ok, thanks for the apology but I deserved it." She says honestly.

Her cousin stares at her for a second and then points a finger at her and says :" You better be good to her this time."

Shane nods :" I will, I promise." Carmen just can't wipe the grin of her face and as her cousins depart she closes the door and pulls Shane so that she is trapped between the door and Shane's body and says :" I'm so happy."

Shane has tears in her eyes when she says :" Me too. More than you can imagine." She pins her to the door as she passionately kisses her, completely forgetting that Max is still in the room.


	13. Chapter 13

(I'm so freaking sorry that it takes me so long to update, but inspiration has been a bitch lately, I sincerely apologize with a whole lot of smut is that ok? Let me know. Also for the person who asked me if I don't wanna film this. Let me love you. I wish I could but poor and in Narnia but thank you.)

It was 3 days after the family dinner and Shane and Carmen were at Helena's house with the rest of the group watching movies on her huge TV.

The love birds were cuddled up on one couch with a blanket draped over them, Shane was behind Carmen spooning her and nuzzling her hair not really interested in the movie. Helena and Dylan were cooking in the kitchen and Alice and Tasha were watching the movie, obviously totally into it.

Carmen was trying to watch the movie but Shane kept sneakily grabbing her breast or squeezing her in all the right places and she was losing the motivation to stop her.

She could feel her hand trying to sneak again from where it was resting on Carmen's hip up to her side and slowly to her stomach, to slip under her shirt.

"What are you doing?" Carmen asks in a low whisper.

"Ssh, watch the movie." Shane whispers against her ear and then breathes against it as if she's been turned on since they laid down.

"Shane.." she whispers breathlessly.

"Just watch the movie." She repeats and then kisses her neck softly but lays her head back down so that the others don't notice anything. Like her hand moving higher under Carmen's shirt and under her bra, softly massaging the left breast. Carmen closes her eyes and lays her head down too, it will seem as if she fell asleep.

Shane tweaks her nipple over and over again, knowing how sensitive that area is for Carmen, she then stops and moves her hand over to the other breast and gives it just as much attention. She knows Carmen is soaked by now and can't wait to rile her up even further.

She slowly let her hand slide down her stomach, god how she loves that soft stomach she can't wait to kiss, lick and bite it, and over her shorts to her center. She smiles when she hears a gasped "God" and squeezes her center over and over again.

She slides her hand back up and into her shorts and almost groans at how wet her love for her is. She makes a few short but firm circles on her clit before dropping down and entering her harshly.

Alice and Tasha heard the sharp intake of breath and look to their side. Shane seems engrossed with the movie while Carmen appears to be asleep, Tasha shrugs and looks back to the TV, while Alice smirks and shakes her head, knowing exactly what's going on under that blanket.

Shane notices that they looked away and moves her fingers again, but afraid that they will notice the movement, she keeps her fingers inside and just curls them over and over again, hitting Carmen's g-spot firmly.

She notices that Carmen's walls are starting to squeeze her fingers and tries not to chuckle at what comes next, she moves her head again until she is speaking into Carmen's ear :" You'll thank me later baby, I promise."

Shane stills her hand completely and pulls out. Carmen whines at the loss and realizes that her girlfriend was just riling her up and never had any intentions in letting her come. Carmen opens her eyes and flashes her eyes angrily to Shane and asks loudly :" Do you think that's funny?"

Shane smirks and Carmen notices the other two people in the room and quirks an eyebrow at them until they look away, trying to hold back their laughter.

"Girls, dinner is ready." Calls Dylan from the kitchen and Carmen glares at Shane one more time before getting up and going to the kitchen.

Shane chuckles and Alice looks at her amused and says :" Are you looking forward to another week of silent treatment?" and walks into the kitchen and Shane realizes what Alice is referring to and the smirk vanishes off of her face.

…

Three hours later Shane and Carmen were in the car on their way to Shane's house, throughout the whole dinner Carmen didn't even look at her and back in the living room she didn't even want to sit next to her.

Carmen for her part, was playing, she wanted to teach Shane a lesson that you don't play with the orgasms of Latin woman, so she gave her the silent treatment and held her laughter back.

Shane sighed for the 5th time that evening and looked at Carmen :" Carmen, I'm sorry ok? It was a stupid joke, I don't know what I was thinking."

Carmen looked out the window and pursed her lips, mostly to hold back the laughter that's bubbling up inside her.

Shane reached over and took her hand, Carmen looks surprised down at their hands and tangles their fingers together, falling out of character for a moment but before Shane has a chance to feel relieved Carmen says :"This is a conversation we will have at home."

….

Walking into the house Carmen walks straight to the bedroom with a confused Shane following. She prepares herself for Carmen's blow up but when nothing comes she looks at Carmen's back that is facing her and says :" Carmen?"

Carmen turns around with a devilish smirk and pushes Shane onto the bed and straddles her. She watches realization drown on Shane and laughs :" So you weren't mad? You were just being a bitch?" asks Shane disbelievingly.

Carmen leans down and speaks into Shane's ear :" Oh I was mad..but then I remembered how deliciously those fingers moved inside of me and couldn't wait to get you home."  
Shane's jaw drops but before she can say anything Carmen's lips are on hers, pushing, pulling, taking everything they want from her and she can't help but moan.

She laughs as she grabs Carmen by the hips and turns them around until she is on top. "You will pay for that, you know that right?" she asks with an evil smirk.

Carmen smiles as she arches her back and leans her face closer to Shane's :" Make me come now, fast and hard and then you can do to me what you want." Shane shudders at those words and says :" I like the sound of that." She keeps eye contact as she slips her hand back in those delicious shorts, not wasting anytime she pushes her fingers inside hard and pounds into her with a relentless rhythm.

"God, yes." moans Carmen loudly and bucks her hips to take those long fingers deeper.

"Yeah, that's my girl. You gonna come hard for me aren't you?" Shane asks in her huskiest voice, turned on beyond believe.

"Yes…oh yes baby so hard." She basically screams and then Shane goes just a little bit faster so that her palm is slapping Carmen's clit hard until she is falling apart, saying her name over and over until her body stills completely for a few moments her back still arched.

Shane smiles and kisses her cheeks, jaw, neck, lips and nose, waiting for Carmen to regain control of her body.

"Wow." Carmen lazily smiles, eyes still closed.

Shane catches her lips in a deep hungry kiss, a promise for me and gets off the bed. That's when Carmen finally opens her eyes and watches Shane look for something in one of her drawers. She smirks when she sees Shane pull out the strap on, she smiles at the memories of using their favorite toy and lays back on the pillow.

She looks at Shane who is just standing in front of the bed, staring at her and stroking her fake dick with her right hand.

"Take your clothes off….slowly." she whispers seductively.

Carmen swallows hard but doesn't break eye contact, she slowly peels of her shorts and then her underwear, Shane breaks eye contact for a second to look at how drenched Carmen's panties are.

She smirks and connects their gazes again, hand still stroking herself. Carmen pulls her shirt off her head and then unclasps her bra and throws it to the rest of the clothes.

"What now?" she whispers.

Shane climbs on the bed but stays on her knees on the foot of the bed.

" Come here."

Carmen shuffles closer, now also on her knees until she is inches away from her. Shane grabs her neck and pulls her into an all-consuming kiss. Carmen is clawing at her back, leaving her marks all over it, while Shane's hands slowly slip from her neck to her ass and knit there and pull her lover impossibly closer.

She breaks abruptly the kiss and grabs Carmen by the shoulders and whispers :"Turn around baby."

Carmen does as she is told but before she can go on all fours Shane pulls her back, her front against her back, she licks her neck all over and then moves her mouth to her ear and whispers :" Let's see if you're ready for me."

Her hand that were previously resting on Carmen's hips move across her stomach until the right one slips lower and lower until she feels the gathered wetness.

"No one's ever been readier." Carmen whispers and cranes her neck back until Shane can kiss her throat.

Shane takes the strap on in her hand and pushes Carmen a little bit away from her so that she can slowly enter her, she loves the quiet little whimpers that Carmen makes.

When she is all the way in, she pulls Carmen closer with both arms holding her around her stomach, while she builds up a slow and steady rhythm.

"Mhm yes baby that feels so good." Carmen moans.

"I missed using that on you." Shane answers without really thinking about it.

Something inside Carmen drops at that and she realizes that Shane probably used it on other woman too, but she can't really focus on that not when she is so deeply inside her and licking and sucking on her neck deliciously.

She swallows the pain she felt at that admission and concentrates on the pure pleasure.

"Faster baby, please, fuck me until there is only you inside my head." Pleads Carmen and arches her back a bit until Shane is hitting all the right spots inside her.

Shane picks up her pace and drops her hand to circle her clit while holding her close with the other hand.

"Fuck yes." Moans Carmen and closes her eyes as her orgasm approaches but before she can come Shane pushes them both down on the bed, Carmen laying now on her stomach watches Shane prop her arms next to her head and pound into her with all the force she can muster up and it feels incredible.

She falls over the edge so quickly that her whole body shakes with the force of her orgasm and she can't even make a sound anymore and Shane is right behind her still trying to thrust in and out which is impossible by how tight Carmen's walls are.

When Carmen comes down from her high, she notices that Shane is lying next to her staring at her with a smug expression. She takes a deep breath and moves closer to Shane, she pecks her lips sweetly and says :" Tomorrow you are throwing that thing away and we're buying a new one."

Shane frowns and takes a second to think about where this is coming from and realizes what she said.

" I didn't mean it like that-"

"That doesn't really matter." Carmen says and turns on to her back and stares at the ceiling. Shane looks at her for a moment before taking the strap on off and throwing it on the floor.

She nuzzles into Carmen's hair and says :" I'm sorry, so sorry Carmen." Who smiles and pulls her in for a kiss.

" You have all night to make up for it."


	14. Chapter 14

**(If I was you I would hate me for taking so long to update. I am so sorry, I have no excuse whatsoever. So this is the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it. Just let me know..and maybe some time I'll write some one shots or something. Thank you for reading.)**

Today is the day. Alice is getting married and Shane and Helena are in her changing room, listening to her rehearse her vows. She was a nervous wreck and Shane had to refrain from laughing.

"Why are you so nervous, you know your vows by heart?." Asks Helena confused. Alice starts shaking her head and murmurs something to herself.

Shane studies her for a second and then says carefully :"Dana would be so happy for you." Alice cuts her surprised gaze to her friend and says :" How did you know…?" she trails of.

Shane steps up to her and puts an arm on her shoulder :"I know you okay? I've watched you go insane over this wedding and I know that you can't wait to marry her but also I know that you feel guilty and you shouldn't. She would be happy for you."

Alice swallows and looks around before nodding and saying :"In another life…. I would be married to her." Shane notices that her eyes are shining so she hugs her and says :"I know but I also know that Tasha would do anything to make you happy."

Helena smiles at them and lets them have their moment. When they step apart Helena turns towards Shane and says :"You know, we never got to hear your vows."

Shane smiles awkwardly and looks away.

"I didn't mean that as a dig into you running away, I just meant I would have loved to hear them." Helena explains while smiling at her friend.

"I actually hadn't written any…I thought I'd be spontaneous or something..." Shane states and blushes lightly. Helena and Alice laugh and she sticks her tongue out to them.

"If you would write your vows for Carmen now.. What would they say?" Alice asks curiously.

Shane puckers her lips and thinks for a moment.

Carmen who was just about to check up on them out of boredom, heard that question and is waiting in front of the door to hear the answer.

After a long pause Shane clears her throat and says while staring out the window :"Carmen – the girls giggle at that and she flips them off- _Carmen, I know I haven't..done anything right in the past, I screwed up so many times…and yet you're still here. You never gave up on me, not even when I deserved it and ..I don't know why. You are …the greatest person I ever met and …I'm a better person for knowing you. When I met you …I was so broken and lost…and it took a while but you fixed me.. I'm not the same person I was 6 years ago and I hope I'll never be that person again.. I love you more than I loved anything or anyone in this life…and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you that and making you happy…and making up for my past mistakes. Thank you ..for loving me_." Shane finishes and focuses back on her two friends, who are staring at her shocked and with shining eyes.

Shane laughs awkwardly and blushes. Helena clears her throat and looks seriously at Shane :"That's beautiful, really. Would you propose to her again?"

Shane chuckles and looks seriously again :"I think she would kill me if I don't." They all laugh at that and don't notice the shadow in the barely open doorway.

Carmen is leaning against the wall and trying her best not to cry and ruin her make up. She shakes her head at herself and walks back out to the rest of their friends, not able to stop grinning.

..

An hour and a half later Alice and Tasha were married and everyone was enjoying themselves at the reception.

Shane and Carmen were sitting at the main table with the newlyweds, Shane's arm around Carmen's shoulders while she was talking to Bette and Tina, whom she hadn't seen …in forever.

Shane can't stop staring at Carmen or stop thinking how lucky she is.

Carmen glances at her and smiles when their eyes connect. She leans in a softly kisses her and then nuzzles her cheek.

"Do you wanna dance with me?" Shane asks, while grinning at her.

" I thought you'd never ask." Carmen smirks and takes Shane's hand, she leads her to the dancing area and smiles when a really slow song comes on.

She puts her arms around Shane's neck, who pulls her closer by her hips and then puts her hand on her lower back.

"This is nice." Shane admits shyly, Carmen leans in and pecks her lips sweetly and then hums her agreement.

"So I had an idea for tomorrow ..and you are free to say no if you think it's a horrible idea." Carmen says and looks at Shane, who narrowed her eyes with an amused smile playing on her lips.

"You know Saturday is family day at my mother's house …and I thought we could stop by and you could try to kiss ass and …" She trails off insecure about not being able to read Shane's expression but then her expression melts at Carmen's uncertainty and she smiles at her. "I think that's a fantastic idea, baby."

Carmen lets out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and tugs on Shane's hair, who just chuckles in return.

"Sometimes I don't even know why I like you." Says Carmen smiling widely. Shane's smile vanishes and she leans her forehead against Carmen's.

"I never know why you like me…but I will do my best to be worthy of that." She whispers with closed eyes.

Carmen's sighs and says :"You were always worthy, baby. You just didn't know."

Shane connects her eyes with those warm brown ones, the ones she loved since she saw them the first time and then leans in and kisses her, pouring all her love in that kiss.


End file.
